In Love With Him

I'm still a human being !

Its been three hours since me and Evan had that 'talk', how can he just say he understands ? he has the best life, there's no way he will ever know what i go through.I took out my laptop and started surfing the web,what most people don't know is that i worship you tubers.You tubers are my remodels, they are the people i look up to. And lots of them are  sexy, its like Google only hires the sexiest people,hm what if that's true. 

Alex I'm back, its been  a while ... 

Oh no, their back, so you might be wondering, who the hell am i  talking about, once in a while i get the voices that talk to me, i take medicine to stop them. But when i stop them, I'm left alone again, my doctor said that i have schizophrenia, but that's a lie, he just wants to hurt me everybody wants to hurt me.

wow Alex you gotten a lot bigger

'i wasn't that big was i', i walked to the mirror that they have in this room, i looked at myself, i was wearing a tank top so you could clearly see my cuts.

Pathetic

i ran my fingers through my hair, i felt my tears ready to pour, i was really pathetic."ALEX, DINNERS READY" my mom yelled.

don't eat, take an apple, just skip some meals, and don't eat as much as you usually do

The voice was right, i just needed to skip some meals and then ill have a nice body, yea that's it.I walked down the steps and saw everyone at the dining table,i awkwardly sat down, why am i always the last to be here.

My mom brought the food from the kitchen, Chicken chow mien, that sounds really good, maybe just a litt-

NOO,an apple for tonight-

i was too hungry too care what the voices said so i dug in, i grabbed a ton of food, but of course i couldn't go a day without being insulted."WOAH calm down you don't want to choke and die, oh wait isn't that your wish?" my sister asked. She knew that i didn't speak about my suicidal thoughts, that was my business only."Hey Evan want to hear a story?" she asked, i was so confused, what was she planning on telling him ,that she couldn't tell him later.

"Well one day, Alex came from school, and he ran upstairs, he wrote a bunch of-" she's telling the story of when i first attempted suicide."shut up" i muttered quietly, i wasn't going to let her tell him that story."letters, saying how he's sorr-" i cut her off again, "shut up" i said a little clearer this time "On how sorry he was, then-".

"SHUT UP!"  i screamed, "THEN HE GRABBED A WHOLE BOTTLE OF SLEEPING PILLS, AND DRANK THEM BUT SADLY THEY DIDN'T WORK!" she screamed, everything went quiet, but the only thing you could here was the snapping of my rubber band."See now he wants to cut, i have an idea, why don't you jump off a mountain, nobody would be able to help you then,... faggot".

just go cut, it ll help relieve stress, i promise

I didn't even notice I was hyperventilating, I was shaking, i know a panic attack was going to happen, i hated having panic attacks. Its like you relive everything you ever experienced. I got up and walked up to my room, i didn't care if my mom and dad were calling for me to go down there. I walked in to my room and locked my door.

don't forget to throw up your food, your fat enough, don't want to get fatter

I did as i was told and walked to the bathroom, I was used to this, i put my head over the toilet seat and stuck my fingers in my throat. All my dinner , just spilled out of me, i felt empty, but i liked that feeling because it told me that it was working. I Brushed my teeth to get that nasty taste out, iIwalked in to the room, and for some reason I was hit with old memories, being pushed in to lockers, being called names, my urge to cut was now unbearable, so i decided to shower.

I took my suit case in the bathroom and began to pick out some close, but when i reached the bottom i felt a box. the'secret box", all i had to do was open the box and i would be able to release myself. i opened the box and grabbed a razor,I gently placed the box back in to my suitcase. 

I undressed, and entered the shower, the water was warm, i stood there for a couple minutes in till i finally grabbed my razor. Slowly i positioned my self, i was going to make a vertical line, holding the razor with my thumb and index finger i pressed the razor down. Dragging the razor i made a line, the blood were in little dots, in till the bubbles got bigger and the eventually spilled.I sighed with relief cutting was the best to do when stressed. I missed this so much, how did i stop ? and why? 

What was supposed to be 1 cut, turned in to 25 vertical lines from my elbow to the end of my wrist,i looked down to see the blood mixing in with the water. i washed up and made sure the cuts didn't bleed any more.

I put some sweat pants and a sweater,i didn't want my mom to see my cuts, i didn't want to stress her anymore i was the cause of her gray hairs.I laid down on my bed, i smiled i finally got to cut, cutting was like a roller coaster once you were up there was no getting down.

~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~ ~~~~ ~ READ THIS LAZY MOTHER FUCKERS I SEE YOU~~~~~~ ~~ ~~~~ ~~~~~

Hey my little warriors 

So I wrote a new chapter again WOO HOO, and can you guys like vote, i need to know if you guys enjoy the story, I'm not telepathic, i cant mentally tell if you guys enjoy the story.

MY  EMAIL- mari1230953@gmail.com

send me art, if you want to talk email me, and please don't ever harm your self, i promise you it gets better, and like i said or alex's mom said "Every flower gets to blossom" 

have a *insert time* i love all of you GOOODBYEEEE !