Bow Chicka Bow Wow!! A Red vs Blue Fan Fiction (Reader x The Boys)

Chapter 1: Signing in

You sighed slightly as you approach the base of the Blue army. Your forest green armor shone in the sun, but only because the sun was so goddamn bright. You wondered if it was always like this as you stopped at the entrance.
You hesitated as you were about to knock on the door. You heard nothing but bad things about this place ever since you got the orders to come to Blood Gulch.
This place was supposed to be the definition of hell, with so many team casualties and the extreme lack of intelligence shown by many of the members. None of them really checked out with command, so they were sent to Blood Gulch as more of a filler, because they knew the Reds would not be difficult to fend off here, either. This, of course, offended you deeply. You were at the top of your class in officer training school, and they sent you here...
You sigh, and knock on the door. You want to believe command has a deeper task here for you, but you are weary of their ability to make decisions. Maybe you can turn Blood Gulch around, maybe that's why they sent you here...
You heard a loud clang from inside the base, and a loud array of shouting. After about a minute of noise, and you tapping your foot nervously, the door opened to reveal someone in dark blue armor, regulation color. The soilder looked you up and down, and then started to yell, "CHURCH. THERE IS A STRANGER AT THE DOOR. WHAT SHOULD I DO?"
Wincing at the sudden scream, you gave a small salute and introduced yourself. "Hello. I'm Private (last name), sent by Blue command to assist the war effort in the Blood Gulch Alpha post. And you are?"
The helmet on the solider cocked sideways. "Are you... a girl?"
"...Y-yeah... Is that important?" You frowned under your helmet, hoping that this base wasn't sexist.
"And you have come here... to help us...."
"Yes..."
"....."
"......"
"CHURCH. THERE IS A GIRL HERE." The solider yelled again, and you felt like you were about to strangle the dumbass's neck.
Suddenly, (roughly at the time the solider yelled "girl") a head popped up behind the first solider, and he coughed and stepped in front of the other. This solider wore teal blue armor, and was quick to push the navy blue solider back.
"Sorry about Caboose here, he can't really think for himself, let alone think at all," he laughed a bit as his own joke, and you stood there speechless as you just observed the both of them. This was much worse than you thought it would be.
"Anyways, I'm Tucker. Private Tucker, if we wanna get all formal, and this here is Private Caboose." The teal solider nodded at the navy blue solider behind him, who still stood motionlessly.
"Nice to meet the both of you, I am Private (last name)," you waved a bit, assuming this base was a bit more low key than many of the regulation ones. So different than anywhere else you had been, for sure...
"(Last name), huh? Is that French for 'hottest thing on the planet'?" You could hear the smirk from under Tucker's helmet.
"No, it's not. Not even close. That's not even one word, it's a whole sentence," you decided to be a killjoy with logic, and tried to sidestep Tucker, but he blocked your path.
"Whoa, not so fast! You'll get inside soon enough! Bow chicka bow wow!"
"... Excuse me?" You hoped to God that this wasn't what you thought it was.
"You know what I said, baby! I hope you're single, 'cause this ride is a one seater! Bow chicka bow wow!"
"Oh, good lord, please STOP," you pushed your way past him, stopping when your path was blocked by Caboose, "Move, please," he didn't budge, and you sighed loudly, "Isn't there anyone else here who is actually intelligent?!"
"Nope, obviously not. This is it, or all the people who are alive, anyways," you gasped and jumped as a voice sounded from directly next to you, and you saw a figure slowly appear in front of you. It was pale white, and... translucent...
"You... you're a.. a..." you stuttered, backing up until your back hit a wall.
"Yup. I'm a ghost. Killed by Señor Braindead over here..."
"Accident. Tucker's fault," replied Caboose.
"I'm the deceased Private Church. I'd shake your hand, but, you know..." his voice trailed off as you stood there, motionless against the wall.
What the fuck had you gotten yourself into?