queued thoughts

VIII

jealousy

(noun) the state or feeling of being jealous.

jealous

(adjective)
1. feeling or showing an envious resentment of someone or their achievements, possessions, or perceived advantages.
2. feeling or showing a resentful suspicion that one's partner is attracted to or involved with someone else.

it's not that i am jealous. no, don't get me wrong at all. it's much more than that.

i remember the day i bought those friendship necklaces, thinking one day i would give it to someone who deserved it. you and i had not yet met, but when we finally did, i did not expect you to see me unlike anybody else. to understand me. to amuse me when i was mad, to anger me when i was sad. who knew that could happen? who knew we'd soon be spending all day and night talking in silence or whispering among shadows, shouting in crowds? who knew we'd listen to sad songs and share stupid stories that i thought didn't expose me? your tactics were slow and well planned out, i didn't see anything coming. i brushed it off whenever you called someone else your 'best friend' not knowing i was dying on the insides. you had the scissors, cutting me from the insides and i thought the blood spilling was my trust in you. i gave you one of the necklaces, hoping i had made the right choice. hope, such an ugly word. i told you i had trust issues and you shut me off. pretended to know my true colours. if we were ying yangs, you'd be the black with white and i'd be the white with black. i seemed to have convinced myself that i had seen your white side, but all i saw was gray. you had your own close friend, your sister and i was your side bitch. i thought that to become sisters, you first had to be best friends. i was probably wrong but i was still fucking jealous. i hated sharing people, but i guess you didn't mind. i was your fucking side dish and you only needed me to complete your seven course meal. you blamed me for being the whore but you made it seem like an apology and i let you back in, the scissors sharper and the wounds deeper. i am probably exaggerating but my heart sank when you deleted me and added her even more. i don't blame her. i don't blame you but i am probably lying. i don't blame myself but that could be a lie too. i can't think straight. i am up until 5 am trying to figure this out, losing myself more in the process.

no, i am not a jealous bitch.

i am just hurt.

-b