Cold Skin (Letters to Dan - Part II)

Part 1; Chapter 1

         

         

"And he could change the world

With his hands behind his back"

-Adele, Daydreamer

Astrid was three when she started kindergarten. I'd spent time at home with her before that. First, because I took a break from work because of Beth, and then later because she was a child and I had no one to leave her with while I worked. She was bright, funny, and selfless - everything Beth had been. It had been three years since Beth died, and though I still missed her every day I was able to look back on memories and smile, rather than break down crying like I had in the earlier weeks and months. It took a couple years to recover. I'd never had my heart broken like that before, I'd never loved someone like I'd loved Beth.

Astrid had been going to kinder for two weeks when I got a call from one of her carers. I excused myself from the recording booth, where I was helping a band produce their first album, and went outside to take the call.

"Astrid's had a bit of an accident during nap time and we don't have any spare clothes for her. Could you come by and drop some off?" She asked.

I sighed, and rubbed my eyes with my free hand. I'd just started working again two weeks ago and already I was having to run off because they couldn't look after Astrid properly.

"I'll be there in half an hour. Could you keep her warm?"

"Of course," she replied merrily. I could hear Astrid crying in the background and my irritation grew. How is it that I was able to keep her happy all day and night, and trained professionals couldn't?

When I came back into the studio everyone was lounging around eating, so I told them I'd be back in half an hour and sped home to pick up a change of clothes to drop off at Astrid's kinder. All this time I was wondering whether paying for childcare was really worth it or if I should just take another couple years off work and keep her at home until she's ready to start school. I could afford to do it too, I had the money. I knew, however, that she needed social skills to make friends, and that pulling her out of kinder would do her more harm than good, so damn the inconveniences. Astrid needed friends too.

I rushed through the gate of the centre and immediately had Astrid latch onto my leg. She was wearing nothing but a nappy, which was far too small for her, and looked positively thrilled to see me. I knelt down to kiss her cheek.

"Hey sweetheart, what's up?" I asked her, smoothing her hair out of her eyes.

Her hair was exactly like Beth's; thick, dark and curly.

"I had pasta for lunch!"

"That's great honey! Where's your teacher?"

Astrid let go of my leg and pointed eagerly to a small mousy looking woman who was putting what I recognised as Astrid's overalls into a plastic bag. I wondered over to her, narrowly avoiding stepping on a small child playing with Lego, which, quite frankly, would have been unfortunate. A couple of women were there to pick up their kids and kept casting me these looks as if to say "hey I recognise you and I know you're single," but I just smiled at them and handed the clean clothes over to someone who worked there. I hated when people so blatantly stared, still do. I smiled at them, gave Astrid a quick hug and got out of there as fast as I could. Reason number eight against childcare - everyone was flirting with me.

Later that evening, after I'd made some kind of healthy variation to mac and cheese for myself and Astrid, we were sitting in front of the telly watching cartoons. Astrid was curled up on my lap and was pretty absorbed in whatever she was watching, meanwhile I could feel myself drifting of to sleep. Cartoons just didn't appeal to me as much as they had when I'd been her age.