Saving Kate

Leo + Kate

Once I used to wake up as if I had the world in my hands, the splendour was so inebriating,  now my hands tremble without you.  The satisfaction of knowing that you were just next door, was what motivated me every day. Being neighbours for most of our lives, we couldn't exactly avoid each other; so much so that it was like we lived as one house as you were around mine so often.  I would have liked to think that ever since we met, our hearts beat as one too. For a long time we were inseparable. Hand in hand, for a long time we were invincible. The freckles on your cheeks were sandy brown and you always said how the dots were magic, you'd touch one and then you'd be granted a wish. At that moment, I had decided how magnificent you were.  Your eyes were silver like bullets and every time you smiled it made me weak. Bang, bang you shot me down.

We were winter warriors, wrapped in layers of wool which you had called our armour. And then we ran straight into your icy back garden because that was our battlefield. There were times where we fought over who would be leading commander but then I'd see the look in your eyes, all this love you had for the game- I'd step down or pretend to lose. Since you always had this incredible amount of affection that you inflicted into everything that you did, and sometimes it left you more wounded than you deserved to be.

Made of fire, your tongue had gotten me out of trouble many  whilst you fell into a lot of it but it was okay because the two of us thrived on the mischief. No one could stop us. Nothing but time. I remember when you used to climb through my window at night whilst your house shook with tension and loud voices, for most nights I found myself waiting up anxiously for you to arrive. Then we'd talk till the sun would rise; our dreams, fears and hopes. You spoke with such glorious passion in your voice as you told me how you'd rule the world- everything I said merely sounded grey. Just a boy who wanted to write, that's all I ever wanted to do. I think you were what put the technicolour in my words, all the adventures that you said we'd hope to have, I would write about them: ones that time had so torridly destroyed.

Slowly as we got older, things began to change. You got prettier, I became more inhibited and together we were rebels of the night. Consumed by freedom, alcohol and negligent lust. It was as if we had been reborn with a fresh outlook on life, tinted by the teenage dream. You remember Frank Waterhouse? Yeah he was a dick but you didn't ever seem to think so. Frank Waterhouse could do no wrong in your eyes despite the many times that he had broken your heart, over and over again. It made my chest tighten when you told me how you were lucky that Frank Waterhouse even looked at you, I was your best friend, I couldn't tolerate seeing you in such a state but you wouldn't listen to my reasoning.

That is how the self-destruction began, really. How you began to undermine your self-worth. It scorched me from the inside out when I realized that I was never enough to make you feel like a million pounds. I just really wanted you to know how much you meant to me and I was a fool for giving up so soon.

Then came the winter prom, we'd agreed that we would go together but then I had met Cecilia Green. She was magnificent, so far out of my league; it would cripple me speechless every time I looked at her. Some would call her perfect, and I had somewhat found a ridiculous courage to ask her out.  I'm so sorry. Maybe if I had taken you to the dance instead, things might've been different. A part of me was still angry I guess. The fact that you still let Frank taunt you with his slick tongue and Abercrombie stature.  I was mad because deep down I knew that it should have been me. That was the night I lost my virginity and it was probably not the first time that Frank had done you the dirty.  I felt mighty because if I was honest, Cecilia Green was Aphrodite.

The next morning, you didn't come to school and I even waited outside your house brimming with good news but your dad told me that you were sick. I wilted like a sad puppy and walked alone. I didn't think twice to why you weren't feeling good. How could I have been so fucking selfish? You weren't answering your phone that day and I didn't worry- instead I called Cecilia hoping to reconnect after last night's events.  Your curtains were closed, just the frost forming on the window ledge- I didn't look twice as Cecilia sat on the edge of my bed only wearing one of my Star Wars shirts.