Underneath The Tracks

I am telling the truth when I say I had a very good reason to be standing on the train tracks near the woods in the middle of the night. Maybe then, freezing near to death in the coldest December my town has ever experienced, it was a bad idea to go in the first place. But looking back it was the best decision I have ever made, deciding to go.
Because, what happened?
I really needed it.

***

"How much further, Amelia?" Spencer moaned.

She was my best friend, unfortunate enough to be forced to accompany me on my mission. I kept my eyes ahead, feeling the cold December air fill my lungs.

"Another few minutes. I swear."

We trudged through frosty grass and damp leaves, dying on the forest floor. The trees went on for what seemed like miles, it made you think you were going in circles, but I knew we were going in the right direction. Of course I did, I went there almost every day.

With Summer.

I swallowed hard, thinking about her, the reason I was there. I tugged harder on the hem of the thick wool coat I was wearing, trying to distract myself. Nearly there, I reminded myself. Then it can be over. Spencer looked over at me sympathetically.

"You alright?"

"Yeah."

We didn't talk much on the way. But it wasn't awkward or anything. Nice. Peaceful. Summer and I spent a lot of our time doing that- mutual silence. We both enjoyed each other's presence so much, we could spend hours of end, reading, writing, listening to music, beside each other. No talking. Just enjoying peaceful time, alone yet together.

People said we wouldn't work. Others said we were perfect, a model relationship. Of course, we weren't perfect, like any couple. We loved each other, yes, but boy, did we have our fights. 

We were like they said, opposites attract. She was fiery, unpredictable, impulsive. I was placid and meek. She was my first girlfriend, I was her third. But the chemistry we had worked. Even though I always felt like she treated me like a child, and whenever I mentioned anything about me being bisexual she would wrinkle her nose, like she did when she heard something she didn't agree with, like pro-life campaigns.
"Bisexual? Oh Lia, it's ok if you don't want to admit you're gay!"
"You're just confused. "
"You're with me, so you're gay!"
"Bisexuality is an excuse for promiscuity!"
Is it possible to hate and love someone at the same time? Because with Summer, sometimes it really felt like that. The ironic thing is, I, the "slutty bisexual", was not to one to cheat. I wasn't the reason for our relationship to go to pieces.

"We're here." I said, stopping abruptly. Being there with Spencer felt wrong. It was my special place- mine and Summer's. A railroad, used but twice a week, hidden by leafy, lush trees and surrounded by thick green grass, perfect for sitting and reading. Every day of those three long, hot Floridian months, Summer and I spent together, beside the tracks. Even though we both knew the train only whooshed by at nighttime, I was still uncomfortable when Summer stood on the tracks in her bare feet, tip-toeing along the sides of the tracks like an elegant tightrope walker.

"Summer, come on. Come back over here."

She would laugh, tossing her head back, the sun hitting her hair and making it even shinier. She had an amazing laugh, deep and true.

"Stop being such a worrier. There's no trains until at least midnight!"

I turned to Spencer, trying to hold back tears. I didn't know if it felt good to be back at my favorite place, or breathtakingly awful.