fifty shades darker- what if

Part 1

  As I start my second week at SIP, I feel that it's getting harder and harder by the minute, I came to a conclusion that life without Christian is hard more than I thought it would be, it's not just that I secretly love been taken care of, but the thought of him and just him taking care of me, the thought of the world without Christian is unbearable, it sends shivers of agony throughout my body, I think I haven't yet got used to the idea, we used to live in a bubble of our own, and then I left him, I could've spared myself all this torture.. But I had to do it, I had to leave, it was a matter of principle, I couldn't but recall the last conversation that we had, I couldn't bear the thought of him not being able to love me back or even the reaction he had when I told him about my feelings for him,  my attempts to get him to the light have failed. I can't help it, but to review in my head what happened in the play room, him taking those relief sighs as each time he uses the whip on me.. It's not the actual pain that wasn't bearable, it's his relief sighs with each hit, Is torturing me what makes him relax? this gives him pleasure? Why??!! I know that he has a secret, I know that he had a rough start in life, but how bad it was, to make him like this, how bad it could've been to break such a powerful figure.

I wake from my thoughts suddenly, when my alarm starts to sing its morning anthem. I have to get to work, Noo!! I can't even open my eyes, my head aches from yesterday, yet another night I cried myself into sleep, I wonder how he is, it's almost two weeks since I walked on him, he hasn't made any move to talk to me, so another submissive leaves, i bet he is on his search for a new blood, unless if he's got one already, the thought is even more depressing than i thought it would be, i find it hard to imagine, that we're now complete strangers, what if i saw him again, how would i react, how would HE react, i feel the tears hot on my cheeks, it is that easy as we flip a page, for me it's not that easy, maybe because he was my first, at everything. it was from that moment when I fell in his office, my first sight of him, all my hormones that were sleep for ages suddenly woke up, flashes of adrenaline splashes through my veins as I recall that day, the look in his eyes, although he was sending clear messages of power and control through them, as intimidating he was, I couldn't bear the thought, that there is something beyond those gray powerful eyes, they were enticing and intense in the same time..yes, he is my first love, well, was.. he's not mine anymore.I enter the SIP building, nothing new in my depressed mood from the moment I started working there. I smile at kelly at the reception, saying not so cheerful 'good morning' but that's all I could manage, I ran into Shawn also, with a big grin on his face, he greets me, I greet him back. Shawn is a good person, I could see it from the start, he was the typical American guy, with his humor, and self-confidence and charming personality, he works at finance.. He's a guy that every girl I know would've dreamed of having, I couldn't neglect the thought that MY dream boy is away, forgetting all about me..-" you know, He's one VERY lucky guy!!"-"what?!?" Returning back from my bubble, when I was supposed to be in my fourth script, but still holding the second one, while gazing at the near wall apprehensively.-" or is it that beautiful wall indeed?!"- " I'm not thinking about anybody!!" I answer dryly-" oh, I'm sorry I was joking.."-" oh, never mind" I say with a slip of a smile at the edge of my mouth, he is a good guy, why I'm acting this way with Shawn, he hasn't done anything wrong, but I guess the thought of him possibly trying to flirt with me isn't welcome, i think I'm incapable of loving anyone but Christian, oh the thought of him, I haven't spoken his name in days now, I wonder what he's doing right this second, I bet he's in his big clean white office by now, like I care what he's been up to!! My inner goddess glares sarcastically at me " clearly not at all!!!, you don't even think or dream about him anymore!!"-" I'm sorry Shawn, I didn't.. I'm a little bit stressed out these days..."-" I noticed, to clear you out of this mood, would you like to hang out this evening?"" oh... Shawn.. I.. I don't know what to say.. I'm sorry ..I can't."- "hmm had to ask..but don't think I've giving up"I smile sweetly at him, not saying anything.As the day goes by, I bury myself in thoughts again, trying as hard as I can to finish all the work I have today fast as I possibly can, so I could get home, and cuddle in bed, releasing my thoughts to go wild, suddenly at the back of my head I hear Christian's name, and my heart stop suddenly, trying to focus on his name hanging in the air, he made the news, they're talking about him, he sealed some deal, and he's all over the news, my heart skips a beat when I see him, shiver goes through my body, he looks the usual hot, in control powerful CEO, he looks fine, sure of himself, powerful, he must've forgotten all about me, but there's something going on, in his eyes something I can't get my hand on.. I stare, all I can do is just stare, can't get enough of him.. I'm glad he's doing just fine, yet I can't ignore the feeling of deep sorrow that he has moved on, the thought of him being with someone else right now is driving me crazy- " do you know him?"- "ha?!.."-" do you know Christian gray? you look so hung up on his every word"-" no Shawn, I don't know him"-" well, for a young businessman, he has accomplished a lot..and he's just 30 years old"-" he's 27"-"how do you know?"-"um.. They've just said it in the news" I blush, shit!!-"amazing!!! what a brilliant young man..."Woftt..Thank god, I've got away with it, I can't believe how impulsive, defensive I feel when it comes to christian.