I just had to write it down (Louis Tomlinson)

I just had to write it down

I don't own 1D. This is just fiction.

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I'm just writing this to... I don't even know why really. It's not like I'm gonna show this to anyone and least of all to you, but I've heard it's good to write your toughs on a paper sometimes to get some feeling out. And I just want to stop missing you so damn much.

Do you remember the time I was sick? Yeah, there has been many times, but it was this one time when we had this big show coming up and I had a really bad flu. I was on the backstage with all of us and ready to perform. Then you came to me and said that I didn't look so good and asked if I was feeling ill. I told you I wasn't but you didn't belive. You said that I had to go back to the hotel and skip this one because it wouldn't be good for my health to perform in this stage I was in. I told you rudely that I was in no stage and that you could focus on your own things because that was what you were good at. I was always so mean to you, even when you didn't deserve it. I'm sorry.

But back to the story. I didn't listen to you. Yeah, when did I? And went anyway. In the middle of "over again" just before it was the time for my solo I noticed that I didn't have any voice left. I was so scared I almost panicked and ran of the stage. But then, like out of nowhere, you were there at my side and put your arm around my shoulders. When my part finally came you sang it with me so that my hoarse voice didn't sound so awful. I was mean to you and didn't listen to you and still you helped me when no one else noticed I needed it.

Do you remember the time my aunt died? I surely do. Not just because I loved my aunt and it was really sad but also because you were there for me. You were there for me and did just the right things to comfort me. You didn't talk too much and didn't ask too much questions about how I was feeling because it was oblivious. The others were great too but they just didn't know what to do as well as you did. Maybe it was because you had personal experience with loosing someone you cared about or maybe it was because we spent the most time together. I guess it really doesn't matter why, but you always knew the best way to act around me.

I think I remember all the fights we had. I usually don't remember all the fights I've had with people because there are so many but with you I do. Maybe because there weren't so many.

The one time we fougt because I was mean to Liam and you told me to not to be. It was in quite the beginging of our career. You had always been kinda quiet and shy, but then that one time you came to me and said what you tought about my comments on Liam. Of course, being how I am I didn't take it as a good advice but as an accuse and fired right back. I don't remember all the things I said and all the things you said back but it wasn't nice. Being in a fight with you was always horrible. And so I tried to avoid fighting with you from that point on. Didn't go so well did it? Looking at where we are now.

We had other fights too but I'm kind of past all of those so I won't have to write them all down here.

You didn't always understand me and I surely didn't always understand you. I didn't understand why you would call home all the time and why you didn't talk about you growing up when we all others did. I didn't understand why you lashed out sometimes and why you shut down for days sometimes. Why you had those so high walls surrounding you almost all of the time. I didn't understand why it was so hard for you to be photographed all the time or why you kept reading those articles about yourself when I and everyone who knew told you it was stupid. I didn't always understand the reason why you were so sad and not happy, but sometimes I did. And I don't understand why, after all of this, all the things we have gone trough, why did you leave like you did?

You know, I was really mad. Like really really mad. Madder than I've been in along time. I was so mean too. So mean to everyone and expecially, so mean to you. I hated you for a while. But I loved you too much to keep that going on for long. I still think I'm bitter tough. And if you walked past me I would probaply punch you on that too perfect face of yours. Punch you and then hug you and never let go again.

I've been thinking. A lot of things and one of them being the reasons I'm so mad at you. The first one is because I just love to have you around. I love to do everything with you because you make everything so much better. You make moment's mean something.

The second reason is (this is hard for me to admit, but this whole letter is so i guess I can do it) that I'm scared I can't make it without you. I'm scared that without your comfort and understanding I can't take all of the things that come along with this job. And if you couldn't do it anymore, you who was always so much stronger, how could I do it? I'm scared that there won't be anyone who notices I'm sick and sings my part with me or that there will be no none who understands that when I'm sad I don't want to be told that it's gonna be okay because sometimes it really isn't.

The third reason is not that I think you betrayed us or that you didn't do enough. It's just that I miss you so very much.

And I'm not even that mad because you left. You should have left earlier if you didn't like it. It's just the way you left. How you didn't tell me earlier. How you didn't say goodbye.

Most of all I'm mad to myself because I didn't notice how bad it was for you. I was too caught up in my own life with all the drama going on that I didn't notice that my best friend was suffering. I didn't notice how unhappy you were and I didn't help you. I am the reason you left.

And I know you didn't really like our music. I knew how they didn't want to put your songs on the albums. How we all ignored your ideas too often. You didn't really like our style. And you really had never wanted to be in a boy band. Sure it was amazing and fun. But it was not forever.

And I'm angry at everyone else too. Yes. I know I'm too aggressive but I'm at least trying to get it out by writing about it. I'm angry at everyone who say that you are a selfish jerk for leaving the band because you are not. You did something you didn't enjoy for years even when you didn't have to. You gave four years of your youth to do something that wasn't your thing because you cared about the fans and you cared about us and because you cared about your family. That doesn't seem selfish to me. And I know it wasn't always that bad and that you enjoyed it very much. But I also know that there were too many times when you didn't enjoy it.

I hate them for saying that they always knew that you were an asshole or that One direction is better without you. Because I know that you are the sweetest person I know and that One direction is not the same without you. We would't be where we are now without you.

I think I always knew that One direction would make it even without you. But even now I'm not sure if I will make it without you here.

I'm sad we haven't talked for a while. And I'm sad we are like we are right now. I know it's mostly my fault but it's your fault too. I just don't want to loose you forever. You are my best friend and my brother and I just can't loose you. But I'm so damn proud and so stupid that I can't make myself make the first move just yet to make it all better between us. But if you don't do it before me I will have to force myself because I can't just let this happen. Did I already say that I miss you? I miss you.

My life is not the same without you being here everyday. Without our talks and our inside jokes and without our pranks and our everything. 

I miss you Zayn.

Your brother and friend forever, Louis

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I'm just so sad because of the interviews and Youtube videos I've watched and had to write something about it. It's so sad when Louis says On Ellen that he and Zayn used to be closest when Zayn was still in the band. And that nobody expect Liam has really talked to Zayn. I just... Can't take this anymore. And now you have to share my sadness too. Thanks for reading this and I'm sorry about the mistakes!