New Year, New Me

26th December 2015

I say this every year but it's true! This Christmas did not feel like Christmas. I was thankful for everything I got but I feel like my family still think of me as a 10 year old. I'm usually sad everyday for the littlest things, that's why I stay in my bedroom all day at my dads and my mum's.

once my sister told me that no one in my family liked me. I know she was just mad but I think most of it was true. I took it to the heart and even if it was about 1 or 2 years ago, I cant let it go. All my life I have been wanting to die, questioning if I would be missed if I died, the thought of self harming. I didn't actually self harm because I knew I wasn't that depressed I had to hurt myself to feel control. My sister also told me that she self harmed, she was depressed so she got took into counselling, best friends with my brother. I get jealous od her even though I hate her and, to be honest, she is really ugly. My mum tells her everything and so does my brothers. I am the youngest in my family so they all think of me as a baby who cant keep secrets and shouldn't be involved with anything they say.

I decided to write a diary so I could have a restart in the new year. A new year, a new me. However, I don't think that will stick... I'm not popular, pretty or smart in any way. I've never had a boyfriend and I have never been kissed. I have friends but I don't think they like me so much. I don't get bullied but I do get made fun of my voice sometimes. my voice is very high like squirrel. People have said it will change as I grow but it has only changed the slightest. It's also the same with my body. People say as your body grows you'll lose your baby fat. I don't think it's my baby fat... I am fat and I can't change that. Heck, one night I cried my self to sleep because of how much I hated myself! That's why I wanted to start a new me in 2016.

What I will change in 2016:

- become a vegetarian - I have been a vegetarian before but my mum said I needed to eat more meat so I stopped. This time she is getting me quorn meat and veggie stuff...

- loose weight - I have tried this before also but will no luck. maybe with the new veggie diet and right workout, I will make a difference.

-use more ears and less mouth - I'll listen for a change instead of talking about my problems and making them worse and embarrassing myself.

-work harder - with listening more it could help me to work harder in subjects so I can get better grades rather than c's and d's.

-look out for opportunities - example, a boy. Stop being so picky and talk to him and become close. Who knows he might be your first boyfriend.

-do more for others - even if this is helping my mum around the house, it could help with my exercise and positive attitude.

-don't be stubborn - I am very argumentive and I always want my own way (not always but I get told this everyday even if I'm watching tv quietly). if someone tells me to do something (not stupid like jump off a cliff, c'mon that's common sense!

And I will ad more as I go.

I also thought of doing a quote a day so I could take inspiration from that quote and hope it helps. So, the idea is pick a quote and write it in the diary. If it takes place in your diary, It will take place in your heart (hopefully)

QUOTE OF THE DAY - *looks on google for a quote* "EVERYDAY IS A SECOND CHANCE"

Also I might have the quote but it could be the morning and I want to write what happened to me later on so the quote might not always be last.