numbers

I hate that I define myself in numbers

I cant feel a slight sense of self worth until my scale number is low and follower count is high.

And when I see others I judge them on there numbers,
And I hate that I can't stop myself from doing so.
R

obotically questioning is they have more friends than me on some fucked up social media cite that shouldn't matter anyway.

I hate that I can't respect myself until others do.
a

nd I can't do anything with out approval from them.
I'll never know if I'm doing well until someone or something tells me directly.
and I can't talk about things unless I know others want to hear them.
because really who gives a shit what I want to hear.

But everyone have numbers that they define themselves with
a

nd everyone thinks that there numbers, insecurities and sadness have to define them.
everyone thinks they don't matter when really numbers shouldn't matter.
your insecurities and your sadness should not matter.

But they do, because society is fucked.
Y

ou know it is when almost everyone has to fake a smile just to fit in.
And everyone's priorities are so messed up that numbers matter more than health.
Grades matter more than stability.
scale numbers matter more than well being.
And your placement in societies whole damned system matters more than your individual happiness.

Our whole sense of self worth is based off of how others view us,
and place is in there socialistic categories.
And it's extremely hypocritical of me to say.
because without the judge ment or respect I get from others, I wouldn't I ow who I was.

Basically, I hate that I can't love myself without the love of others.
I

hate that I despise others for being so shallow when I myself am nearly empty.
I hate that I fit perfectly into the judgment constructed society that I am trying so hard to rebel against.
But more than anything, I hate that we need approvals, judgments, and numbers just to feel self worth and satisfaction.