"What If I Am Both?"

My End?

I went to the hospital to see my therapist, his name is Ben; he helps me through the days and stuff like that. I just talk about things that I don't want to keep in my mind, and he listens.
"Hi, is Doctor Ben here?" I asked the nurse
"Yes, he's in the office."
"Thank you." I gotta tell him.. I can't hold back.. Watching my scars heal makes me sad as fuck.. "Ben! I don-..."
"Shiamaa? Isn't our meeting start at 10?"
"Y-yes? Sorry I came early. I thought you only had me." There was a man sitting with Ben today, it was embarrassing hell yeah it was haha. I waited outside until the man left after 20 minutes. "Come in, Shiamaa" I followed
"What brings you so early today?"
"I don't feel okay"
"How come?"
"Too tired"
"Of?"
"Myself and scars"
"Are you taking your pills?"
"And smoking weed.."
"Doesn't that make you feel better?" I paused
Does it? I wasn't so sure, do I smoke weed to feel better about myself? Or for making anxiety goes less? "I don't know, Ben.." He let out a sigh and took off his glasses and rub his eyes, I was shocked! He got married?! "You got married? From Julie?" He smiled
"Yes. How did you know it was her?"
"The card on your desk says Julie.."
"I've always known you are too smart and know everything.." I know everything and that hurts..
"I have to go, I will see you next week!"
"Shiamaa, take this. It an invention to my wedding. I really want you to be there." He said with a hopping smile I would come. I hate weddings and dresses.
I took my bike to go home, putted headphones on listening to music.
Ugh.. I hate feeling like this..
I parked near Walmart (hah funny, parked, it's just a bike) , I need to buy some food. I wasted 45 dollars on three boxes of pizza.. Sigh..
Noodles, ice cream, hash brown, pancakes, tampons.. I hate having a vagina! FUCK! Oops.. I think I said it way too loud.. Run run for it!
"That will be 67 and 56 cent, please" I got other things of course "there you go, thank you." I got the things and walked to my bike putting the bag in the basket and ride home. Just a small three leveled building. Jo isn't here.. I opened the door going in, it was dark, I saw midnight's eye lights up "haha.. Very funny midnight.." I set the bag on the near by keys table "ahh! What the fuck!"
"I'm sorry! The door was open and I tried knocking but you didn't answer!" Why the hell?! "Mike, you can't stay in the dark.. Midnight hates the dark.." Act cool Shiamaa, it will be alright.
"Why are you here anyway?"
"Just wanted to get some lunch with you?"
"Thanks, Mike.." Smile.. Smile!!
"Uh.. What are you doing Meme?" I was making stupid faces with myself, I can see him holding his laughing face, it was funny.
"I'm good! Sorry." I took the bag to the small kitchen which was attached to the living (not so much) "what do you have for lunch?" I asked while leaned on the counter in front of me "Cheese burgers and fries"
"My favorite~" shit.. He's good at smiling!
"Are you okay of me being a girl in the past?"
"Why? You think I won't count you as a guy?" I got me some water drinking
"Maybe. I'm 23" I spited my water out
"What?! Really?! You look 19 or 18. How is that possible?"
"Yeah.. I just look so young. You do too. You look 18" I laughed
"Nah I look like an old lady who have 72 cats" he laughed
"Noo, you look really adorable." I blushed yeah, you feel girly now huh?
"T-Thanks. What do you want to drink? Beer? Wine? Apple juice?"
"Apple juice." I took the same, we sat down on the floor next to the coffee table and took out the burgers and starts eating
"Are you sure you didn't break in my apartment?"
"Yeah, the door was open; like I said." I was sure that I locked it.
"Alright then. This burger is the best! I like it!"
"Glad you did."
"Where did you get it? It must be expensive."
"My dad. He made them."
"You kidding?!"
"Nope." He ate some fries
"Wow that's really good!"
"Yeah, he always wanted to open a restaurant"
"What's stopping him?"
"Me."
"What?"
"He can't open it, when I'm alive. It will take a lot of money and he can't actually offered it yet."
"Oh, I see." That's sad.. He's really good..
"Why so gloomy all the time? Even when you're high" he laughed
"I have depression and anxiety.. But you make me feel nothing at all.." I did it again..
My end is very near.. Fuck my heart.. And my brain..