The Tale of Oliver

Chapter 7

Oliver bid his farewells to all the goodly people of Sesame Road (Yes, even the sarcastic one he saved from the left-handed bandit), and went merrily on his way. "You know what, Catsup?" he said as they broke for lunch on the road, "I've been having a great day today, I hope it keeps up-" just then he was interrupted by a knock on the head, leaving him unconscious.

When he awoke, he was hanging by his feet in a cave, dimly lit by candles in the skulls of- of whatever those things were. The air in here was damp, and smelled of bad milk. Oliver retched. Make that really bad milk. In any case, the young hero was trapped on the ceiling, neither Catsup or Salaadbane anywhere in sight. "Figures," he muttered to himself, "the one time I'm having a-"

"Shut up!" came a voice from further in the cave. Oliver decided that the wisest course of action here would be to obey. Then, a great, big, slimy slug-like being slithered its way closer to Oliver and set a big cauldron underneath him, filled to the brim with a murky brown liquid at whose nature he didn't dare venture to guess. "I was told to just get rid of you immediately, but I figured, Why waste such a delicious meal? So you have me to thank for drawing out your life just that much longer." Oliver caught something there; Ordered by whom? he thought, Nobody outside of Sesame Road even knows who I am, much less my countless heroic deeds! The slug brought out a large cutting board piled high with mushrooms of all kinds; chanterelle, oyster, portobello, shiitake, cremini and baby bellas. Oliver hated mushrooms. If you're going to cook me, at least have the common courtesy to make something tasty.

The fat slug moved around the kitchen, humming happy songs and adding more ingredients to his Oliver stew. "How would you like to be cooked, slow roasted or smoked?"

"Well maybe you could lay off the meats for a bit. You look like a vegetarian diet might not be such a bad thing." he said sarcastically.

The slug considered this and came back with a response, "Now that you mention it, my wife has been on my tail about that for a while. Esther! Come here a minute!" Following his command a slug, nearly identical to the first, except for the fatness, came in.

"What is it this time, dear?"

"Oliver, meet my wife, Esther Goe. Esther, this is Oliver. He suggests that I don't eat him and that I go on a vegetarian diet."

"Well he's certainly got a lot more common sense than you do! How long have I been telling you? Get thinner! If not for your own health then for my sake! I want back the Esker I fell in love with!" The lady-slug was already bawling, and it was truly a terrible sight. The slimy tears rolled down her slimy, bumpy skin like a waterfall.

Esker Goe seemed on edge and took his wife into the other room. Now was Oliver's chance to free himself. He looked around the room for anything that could be of use; frying pans- no, cooking knives- too far, mushroom soup- just, no, Salaadbane- nowhere to be seen. While the couple continued to work out their differences, Oliver called out in a loud whisper, "Catsup!" There was a whining coming from the spice pantry. The hero, resourceful as ever, grabbed a pan and waited until Mrs. Goe's cry grew louder and threw the pot at the pantry's handle to open it. "Catsup, push this cauldron out of the way so I don't fall into it." As soon as the cauldron was moved, he tried to cast a flame at the rope suspending him, but all the blood rushing to his head left him too weak to concentrate on building up the strength without Salaadbane. "Catsup, do you know where my sword is?" The dog let out a negatory whimper.

"-and that's why I have to eat him." The slugs came back in, Esther sniffling like a child. They didn't turn immediately to the kitchen, but still left only moments for Catsup to get back in the spice cabinet. "Hey! How'd you move this here cauldron?" Esker asked.

"Well it was a simple matter of displacing the air around it with a telekinetic force-"

"Enough of your nonsense! I'll figure it out once you're in my belly." That thought didn't exactly excite Oliver. "Esther, go back into your room, I'll call you when dinner's ready." The lady slug left the room, still sniffling and wiping tears from her pock-marked face. "Now, where were we?" The slug replaced the cauldron and turned around for some more ingredients. That's when Oliver noticed it, Salaadbane, stuck in the slimy folds of fat that the slug must've used for pockets. And Ron thought he had it bad with the troll. He reached out for the sword in a hopeless effort, willing it to fly into his hand, thinking, Use the force, Oliver! The attempt was ended when Esker turned around with a satisfaction that seemed slightly worrying to Oliver.

"Well, hero, it's the end of line for you." He reached out with a knife and suddenly cried out, "AAAAARRRRRGGHH!" Catsup had jumped on the big beast and bitten him with all his might. As if on queue, Fryes jumped in and sliced Oliver down, carrying him out of the cave.

"Fryes, I- I-" Oliver stammered

"No time to talk, I need to get back in there!" She drew out a bow staff and charged back in the cave. Oliver tried to go after her, but when he tried to stand up, he nearly collapsed from the effort. The potions! He remembered the potions he got from Sesame Road and searched his satchel, the contents remarkably all still present from his time upside-down. He tossed out potion after potion; Dr. Beaf's Crafty Cure, Magic Moufin Essence, Eyescream, Wraith Blood, until he found one that might suit his needs, simply labeled: Sunshine. It was a crystal clear liquid, but burned with a passion all the way to his stomach. He drank an entire bottle, making him feel very woozy, but giving him the strength to stride back in the cave with confidence. (Those bumps into the wall and one or two trips were nothing) He reached the cave's kitchen, where both Catsup and Fryes were now hanging over the steaming cauldron.

"Hey, you!" Oliver slurred his words, "Gimme back my sword, an' my friends!" His vision started to swirl and he nearly tumbled over himself.

"Ha ha ha!" the slug laughed, "The boy's had a bit too much liquid confidence, eh?"

"Well I'll 'ave you know that- that- hiccup- that I didn' drink nothin' 'cept a lil' potion o' mine."

"Sure thing, kid." The slug drew a large butcher's knife and approached Oliver. The hero timed his maneuver so that he stumbled behind Esker, grasped his sword, and fell on his back. The slug was certainly surprised at the coordination and swiftness of the move, but remained undeterred. "That was a fancy trick little one, now try and dodge this:" the slug threw his knife with deadly accuracy at where Oliver's head would've been had his wits been with him. However, he slipped on a banana peel and fell back down. Oliver thought of a fire, not a flame big enough to engulf the White Castle, but one as hot as what had just gone down his throat. Lo and behold, he held in his hand a white-hot ball of fire, and lobbed it at the creature, but the moisture of the slug's skin fizzled it out. "Nice try, now you die."

Out of options, Oliver climbed on the counter and tried to hide in the cabinet where Catsup was. All of a sudden, he had a great plan! "Esker, do you get enough iodine in your diet?"

The hulking beast stopped for a moment, considering the question, "No, I suppose not. But what does it matter to you?"

"I think I can help you with that." Oliver then reached for the largest salt shaker he could find and threw it in Esker's eyes. The slug responded with a terrible screech and covered his eyes with his hands. In the distraction, Oliver cut down Catsup and Fryes, and the three sprinted out of the cave as fast as they could. Even when they were far away they could hear the cries of the monster, wailing in tormented agony as the trio made their escape.