dear ryan

january 8 , 2016

And I'll just keep laying here and acting like its so okay but it's so so so so so not. It's the worst feeling in the world because you aren't mine and I'm not yours and it's like I don't even remember you and I'm still in so much pain and it's been a month and I'm still crying almost every damn night over how I've lost you and I just don't know how to keep doing this when the uncertainty of wether you'll ever talk to me again or not is going to come. You promised so many things but they didn't mean anything to you and of course they didn't because I don't mean anything to you anymore either. So why do I keep my promises to you still? Why am I laying here, sobbing, shaking, on the verge of throwing up, still keeping my damn promise? Because I love you? How am I so stupid to continue to love you when it's so obvious that you couldn't give a single fuck about me. Like its so mind blowing to me we loved each other for so long, and we trusted each other with things, and we fucking lost our virginities to each other. Does that not mean a damn thing to you? Does any of this hurt you at all? You're just so okay with waking up one day and deciding you didn't care about me anymore? I don't get it I don't get it I don't get it I don't get it I don't fucking get it Ryan. I just need to be able to have you in my life and you said two months but one month has passed so how can I be so certain that you'll come back in another? I don't know anything I will never know any of this I just wish you would've given me that second chance because I deserved it. The thought of you loving someone else makes me want to rip out my own stomach because I can't handle it. You've ripped up my heart, threw it around, stomped all over it and yet I still fucking love you. I don't know how I don't know anything I don't get it. Please just talk to me please just miss me please just love me please please please please please please I'm begging you miss me please just miss me. Please take me back it's all I fucking need. You're all I need.