Nowadays, I visit my family and everyone back home. I miss the food and everything good it had to offer. My mother apologizes for us going thru what we went through, but I say its ok. I learned to forgive everyone that hurt me and even moved my brother out with me. With his temper I'd sure I saved his life from the streets that he says embraced him. My baby brother is 17 now and my sister is 24 and married. My brother after me (who lives out her) is in a relationship and me...I'm making it the best I know how. I had great jobs, my last a contract with FedEx and Motorola that allowed me to travel and meet new people. I made my own hours and it paid great, unfortunately my contract ended and is non-renewable. DELL wants me in their technical support department in another month but bills won't wait that long. Since then I've been using my people skills going door to door offering to wash cars. Something I did when I lived with my grandmother while in school, which made me some good money. So far, its been paying the bills and somedays I am able to bring home $200 and some days maybe 50. I know there is no plan b as far as asking anyone for anything. My mother still has my brother to take care of and my sister back home. I help my brother out here when I can, but when its all done who can help me? Everyone calls me, even cousins asking for advice, neighbors too...I manage to help everyone somehow, but when I need it I'm alone. I have a nice home in a nice area, new mustang, and i like traveling and having fun. I don't tend to complain as much as I used to about how unfair life is, instead I just sit and think.
I can't really make my childhood out to be 100% negative, there were good times as well...but its hard to tell which outweighs the other. The other day I was wrapping up an extension card and started crying, remembering the pain I felt when I was a child. I still call my father from time to time and he insists that the outcome was not all his fault, he blames it on being home alone without a wife all night. I still say a woman who had your back through thick and thin. He is with the lady and my mother is with someone as well, but I can tell she is not happy. Our home is gone and nothing is the same. During the times in my life, I lost a lot of friends and family along the way. I have 1500 friends on fb that swear they know me, but they have no idea. When certain people scold me and say stop soliciting and get a job it hurts me to the core, but I don't get mad. Instead I reply kindly, "yes sir, thank you-have a good day"...and walk away to the next door biting tears. My life is not easy, but its life and I don't blame anyone for decisions I make or the outcomes.
I take one day at a time and reflect on all things bad and good. I seek refuge in the temporary digital people I call friends on EP, lol. I ask questions just to say that I interacted with someone today I can assume wouldn't mind calling me friend. I had many many adventures, lol...the times I had. I am all partied out. Now, I enjoy the movies and I cannot help but stare in amazement and good natured envy of a father and son. One of my favorite songs is "Forever Young" which almost never fails to bring me to tears. I imagine my father feeling that way about me, hoping he loved me that much to teach me things in life I could not learn on my own. I yearn to hear I love you...the sweetest sound one could hear. Now alone I sit in theatres every weekend, I am the black man in the middle all the way in the back sitting alone with a slurpee and a bag of popcorn. Thinking to himself, what a movie my life has been.....
