Rain Boy (phan)

Chapter 4

Phil was gone the next morning. Dan had been half expecting it when he woke up, however that didn't stop the pang of disappointment when he walked into the kitchen and confirmed there was no one there. He ate breakfast next to the flowers Phil had given him the night before and tried not to think about Phil. Which as you can imagine, turned out to be rather impossible. But mostly he just tried not to get angry at Phil for leaving, because last night they were just pretending. And imaginations don't last forever.

It was a bad day though. Rather the opposite of the day before. Dan wanted to go back to bed and it took everything not too. His insides felt empty. He wasn't sure if he had work and he didn't want to check. It didn't matter if he got fired or not really.

Meanwhile, only a couple of block away Phil was crying. The type of tears when you aren't really expecting them but they are all of a sudden. And they're so hard to stop. Phil had just been in his room changing clothes for work and now the tears were sliding down his cheeks in warm, salty paths. He hadn't wanted to leave Dan to wake up alone. He wished last night hadn't been just pretend. But most of all he wished he could stop Dan's hurt. When he knew he couldn't.

And what Phil really feared, was that he was making it worse.

They didn't talk at all that day. The first in a long time. It was Phil's fault really, for which he felt incredibly guilty, as he had been the one to leave. But he needed time to think. He hoped Dan was taking the time to think too. He knew Dan was probably hurting today. But for some reason, Phil couldn't motivate himself to do anything.

The next day it was raining. Not anything particularly strong but it was the first time in ages that Phil didn't jump at of bed at the sound. Eventually he decided to visit the cave on the beach, he one he had last been to with Dan. It would be a good place to think. Though at this point he had been thinking too much and maybe it would just be a good place to clear his mind. To escape.

But the rain on the way there didn't provide the normal distraction. The normal chilling connection to that exact moment was lost as even the rain couldn't stop Phil's mind from racing. Instead Phil found himself only able to remember the last time he had been here. The last time he had walked down this stretch of beach and shared his cave. When he had someone to talk to and share everything with for the first time in ages. Even on that day, when it was still so incredibly early, Phil had thought in the back of the mind that this could be them. The person he could spend forever with.

It was only when Phil was staring out at the ocean, though the actual image was blurry as he wasn't concentrated on what his eyes were taking in, that he made his decision. A decision that he would quickly admit was selfish. But Phil couldn't imagine a life without Dan anymore. Dan had made him happier than anyone in a long time, if not happier than anyone ever. Phil didn't want to forget all that. He wanted Dan in his life for however long and to whatever extent Dan would allow.

That was only half the decision.

Because there was still a whole other person involved, who was having just as hard of a time figuring out what to do next as Phil.

It was the day after the Really Bad Day, as Dan had taken to referring it, and two days after the Good Day, when Dan decided that he should do something. Something about how he was feeling, or rather how he was, because he knew it was a lot more complicated than feelings. He decided that he didn't want to have any more Really Bad Day's (though deciding really did nothing and he knew it was something he was going to have to work on). He would talk to a therapist if that's what it took, even if the idea terrified him. He would listen to what they had to say and decide whether or not to follow their advice. He realised he didn't have to say he would do everything right away. Things would still be his decision that way, opposite of how his days now, if they were good or bad, were his decision at all right now.

There was still Phil though. A whole decision completely different. Dan didn't want to force this all on Phil and he never wanted to make Phil feel as though he had to be the one to help Dan. If he wanted to keep all that sure, the easiest thing would be to stop seeing Phil. But Dan also knew it wasn't quite that simple. He had been happier since Phil, and Phil was the only reason he was even considering going to get help at all. None of that seemed like a bad thing to him at all.

He decided to just let Phil decide. Phil could chose how much he wanted to get involved. That would make him feel better, if Phil decided on what he was getting himself into. Dan just hoped that Phil's idea still involved him, because he really didn't want to lose him.

Once he decided that, Dan went to text Phil, only to find that Phil had already texted him.

To Dan:

Do you want to come over later? I think we need to talk...

To Phil:

Yeah, that sounds good

To Dan:

Okay, after dinner?

To Phil:

Yeah

It was a conversation rather lacking emojis or any kind of emotion. However nonetheless, Dan was in high spirits when he left to walk over to Phil's that night. The static that sometimes overran his thoughts was absent for the moment and he couldn't help but hope that this would all turn out. It had to turn out.

"Hey," Phil smiled as soon as he opened the door to let Dan in.

Dan smiled in response. Two days without seeing Phil had been much too long he decided. "Hey Rain Boy."

"Come in," Phil stepped aside to let Dan in.

They went to sit on the sofa, after Phil was done fussing over Dan like he always did when Dan came over, making sure he was a good host.

"I'm going to find a therapist," Dan began, getting right to it. "Maybe see what they think would be good next steps."

"That's great," Phil looked shocked, but happy, at Dan's words. "And I think-"

"Wait," Dan interrupted. "Can I go first?" He waited for Phil to nod before continuing. "I think you should get to decide what kind of relationship we have. I though about everything for a long time and I just don't want to lose you completely. I want to do whatever you're comfortable with"

Phil began to smile, "Dan," He said, beginning to laugh. "That's exactly what I was going to tell you, that you should get to pick."

"Fucking hell," Dan laughed too. "Are you telling me I antagonized over this for nothing?"

"I think I means we're meant for each other," Phil finally stopped giggling. "But if it was up to me I'd like it if we could be real boyfriends instead of pretending this time."

"Yeah, I'd like that too. Will you be my boyfriend Phil?"

"I'd love nothing more." Phil grinned. "And that means I'm allowed to kiss you now, right?"

"I should think so," Dan said feigning seriousness. "That seems acceptable."

"Good," Phil leaned over to kiss Dan hard.

It was different than last time. There was much less of a rush as Dan moved his lips slowly and their tongues gradually became involved. It wasn't rushed because this wasn't a one night thing anymore. And their decisions that had been so antagonised over seemed to work out. Because this felt absolutely perfect.

They actually watched a movie that night. Never going further than lazily making out a few times just because they could. Phil confessed that he often liked cuddles more than kisses in relationships, to which Dan had no objections. Phil was warm. Dan loved that Phil somehow made him feel like the small one for a change. They both felt incredibly happy and safe that evening. Wrapped in their own little world once again.