Rock Bottom

11: Demons

"Take all these demons and go."

I try my hardest not to drive myself crazy, but my demons are constantly threatening my peace of mind. Often, I find myself wondering what my true purpose is in life. I got the fame and the money, but is that all life has to offer? I just wonder what's the point of trying anymore? No one notices my cries for love and affection that I crave so badly because I didn't get it as much I should've as a child. I just want true love. I pray to God every day that he shows me what love is supposed to feel like.

I've even considered therapy because I thought for a second that talking about my problems to a stranger could be a temporary solution to my pain. The thought left as quickly as it came. I mean..who wants to sit for a hour and listen to me complain about my mommy issues and my obvious insecurities. I can't even do it. Facing my problems has always been hard for me because I don't like knowing the truth. Well, the truth is that I'm a video vixen with a coke addiction. I'm a video girl that claims to be different from the rest when in reality I'm just like them. 

I'm damn good at playing my part though and no one can take that from me. 

Brendon called me this morning saying that he wanted to take me out, but I turned him down. Simply because after Dominic pulled his lil stunt, it turned me off. Dominic has proved to me that niggas officially ain't shit. I'd rather save myself the pain now. I can't get my heart shitted on again; I refuse to go through what I'm going through now ever again.

I have a shoot today which should keep my thoughts off of Dominic. I want to give him a chance, but I just can't allow it. 

As I slipped on my sweatpants that I was wearing today, I heard a knock at my door. I rolled my eyes and went to see who was knocking at my door. I don't remember inviting anyone over here today. Ramone and Rocki knows I'm pissed at them so I don't even know why they're here in the first place. 

I opened the door, "Ramone, I told your ass -," I looked up and instantly got quiet.

It wasn't Ramone or Malea. It was my mother whom I hadn't seen in almost a year. I called her the other day, but she hung up in my ear. 

"Mama?" I asked with a puzzled expression on my face. "What're you doing here?"

She rolled my eyes, "I'm here to see how you're doing. I told you don't call me unless I call you. I can't have people knowing my daughter is a video whore. Do you know how bad that would mess with my reputation at the firm?" she snickered smugly.

I sighed and shook my head, "Wow, you're never going to change. Bye ma, I have somewhere to be."

"Oh no," she chuckled, "I'm not going anywhere. In fact, I'll be staying with you for a few days because I have a conference on this side of town." 

"The hell you are! You can't show up at my  house and disrespect me by calling me a whore and think I'm going to let you stay here. Look, there's plenty of nice hotels around here that you can stay at -," she cut me off.

"I wasn't asking, I'm telling you. Now let me in!" she forced her way into my apartment causing me to roll my eyes.

"Are you fuckin' kidding me?!" I mumbled. 

"Where's your guest room," she asked with her suitcase in tow.

"First door on the right. Bathroom is right next to it. Listen, I have somewhere to go, but don't go through my shit. I'm not twelve years old anymore and if you disrespect my home, I will ask you to leave. I'm serious. I'll see you later," I quickly grabbed my bag and got the fuck up out of there as quickly as possible.