Ardor

Fourteen: Nomads

We are nomads.

We are wanderers.

We are not lost, because we do not know where we're headed.

We are alone, despite each other.

I feel like I'm living in a black and white movie. Everything seems slightly fuzzy, dulled and crackling at the edges, drained of color and clarity. 

I feel like I'm walking through water. My movements feel slow and sluggish like I'm walking across the bottom of a pool, each step heavy and delayed. 

Everything is lagging two seconds behind the rest of the world, which seems to be a constant state for my brain lately.

Kobe isn't too intent on speaking and I'm not eager to talk to his back. I don't need to act as crazy as I feel right now. The ground is a little more even here, but it's still hard to walk. The sun set a long time ago but I don't think we're stopping anytime soon. Not that I want to. I can't even fathom the thought of sleep right now. But I still can't help wondering who killed all those people, no matter how hard I try not to.

I also can't help thinking that I might need a new buddy for the apocalypse. Kobe's good for being lonely with but I'm tired of being lonely. I need someone to talk to, to interact with, or I might just go crazy. 

The sun has long since tucked itself to sleep behind the jagged skyline and I wish I could do the same. I'm tired of being dragged around by my 'partner'. I just want to stop and rest, if only for a few hours. My dragging feet catch on a shard of concrete and I fall, scraping my hands and knees on the rough cement. I don't get up. I sit on the ground, my long legs spread out in front of me, my back resting against a slab of erupting concrete. 

"Kobe. Stop."

He turns around, completely oblivious to my fallen form. "What?" 

"I need to stop."

"What?"

"I'm not getting back up. Don't be an idiot, Kobe; we have to stop sometime."

I pat the ground next to me. He sighs and sits down across from me, running a hand through his dirty hair. His face is smeared with grime and dirt; it's impossible to stay clean with so much crap floating around in the air. He digs into his backpack and unwraps a crushed-up granola bar.

Neither of us say anything for a long time. We watch as the sky fades from dim to black, as the stars peek out, finally visible now that the sun's glow has finally disappeared. I shiver as yet another gust of wind tears through my jacket. Kobe breaks his granola bar in half and passes the rest of it to me. It practically crumbles to dust in my hands and I practically have to lick its remains from my palms.

"We're going to die out here." 

"I was kind of expecting that. What else did you think would happen?"

He shrugs, which seems to be his favored form of communication lately. "I don't know...I figured we'd go all Katniss-style or something and just beat the shit out of Mother Nature." As ridiculous as it sounds I don't laugh because he's so right. Honestly I never thought we would actually die but now I can't help thinking there's no other way this can possibly go down. 

"I wish that were true," I say. And we fall silent. 

Worry still gnaws at my stomach now that the quiet of night has fallen down around us like a downy blanket. Kobe is already asleep but I'm wide awake. As ridiculous as it sounds I'm still worried about what's going to happen with my braces. It might just be my fear messing with me but I can't help imagining that they already feel more loose than usual, which is ridiculous. It's been two days and I had them tightened last week. Surely there has to be at least one orthodontist still alive? I feel like an idiot but I can't push my stupid fear out of my head.

I stare up at the night sky and try and lose myself, my fears, my thoughts out of my mind. I empty my emotions and pour them out into the stars, hoping the emptiness of space can relieve the crushing weight sitting on my chest. It works for about thirty seconds and I'm right back to worrying again. I just want to fall asleep; my body begs for rest and yet I can't seem to find it, no matter how hard I try.