the world in his eyes | phan

chapter four

Phil's personal stuff.

Most of it was gone. And I couldn't quite believe what I saw when I was standing there, in his doorway.

Almost immediately after he and Hannah had left the house, I had gone out of my room, surprised to see that the door to his room was open. Curiosity had gotten the best of me.

But that all the nerdy things that defined his personality were gone wasn't the only thing, no, the smell was different. Overwhelming almost, in a bad way. It smelled like rich perfume and it took me all my nerves not to open the window and spray tons of Phil's deodorant around the room, just to get rid of it.

Instead I just stood there, resisting the urge to search through all drawers to get everything back into its own place.

What was it that suddenly everything seemed to crash down onto me while Phil just seemed to be happier his way? It just wasn't fair!

The surface of the cupboard next to his bed was empty, only the Buffy movie collection remained but that didn't excuse anything else that he had obviously put away. It just looked so sad to me because what was home without all the familiar things?

I didn't really get a grip on what was actually going on. Was it Hannah forcing him to change? If so, that was worse than cruel. But why didn't Phil notice it or at least say something against it? Why was he still so drawn to her?

Was it his own choice? After all, he was going to be 30 years old in a little more than a year and a half. Drawing cat whiskers on your face, making weird animal noises, having a stuffed lion in your videos... Who would want that with 30, right?

Yeah. I did. Well, I wanted Phil to be that way. It was unique and it was just the way he was, the way he had always been. His adorable personality. But what if he had grown tired or even annoyed of himself over all those years?

I wanted to tear up, so badly. But I couldn't get all these emotions out that had added up inside of me and kept pushing me more and more to edge until I would just break down. I just didn't want to have Phil see it. He was happy so why should I drag him down?

Silently I backed out of the room, leaving the door open the way it had been. Had it been his intention that I saw this room? Maybe.

In the lounge, I grabbed a pillow and held it tightly to my chest as I just sat there, in total silence. I needed some time to sort everything out but by the looks of it, I wouldn't have this time.

There were only two options for me. I could either confront Phil, and be an intruder of his privacy, or I could just keep my mouth shut until he would tell me eventually on his own.

Both options weren't the best, to be honest, because it meant losing him by either making him upset or not saying anything at all and just watch him turn away from me.

Why was this so fucking difficult? For once in my life everything had been perfect and the next second it all came crashing down. It had always been like this...

After the unpredictable break up in late 2011, me and Phil had recovered and built up our friendship again to the point where, so I had thought, nothing could ever break us apart again.

But 2012 had been a difficult year, for both of us. And it had torn us apart.

I sighed, closing my eyelids that suddenly felt so heavy. Everything flashed before my eyes; the day me and Phil had skyped for the first time, the little party we had had when he had hit 1 million subscribers, our time in Japan...

But in the end, the most present was the look in his eyes.

Love. Even after all those years, the arguments that had seemed to be never ending and the promise to always be best friends, there was this small glimpse of love. As if the bright sun was breaking through the clouds and the blue sea water was trying to flood the beach and drag you under to comfort you.

A sob escaped my lips as I tried to fight back the tears that were burning in my eyes by now. I was at the edge of a breakdown and it was only a matter of time until all those memories would suffocate me and cloud my thoughts.

And then it all stopped.

As if the storm had suddenly vanished and the soft breeze was caressing my hair and cheeks in an almost worried yet lovingly way.

I still felt sick but the reason for that was probably that I had barely eaten something in the past two days. Strange of me to say that I didn't crave food, because I actually did, but I guess I was just too afraid to cross Hannah's way, or in that matter Phil's even.

Seeing her, finally knowing who the person was I lost my best friend to, was such a scary thought. Because maybe I would like her and notice that, after all, he was better off with her. Or I would just break down and start blaming myself for things that I didn't do and make myself responsible for whatever future Dan and Phil had.

At this point, I didn't even know what to do and I just couldn't make the decisions myself because Phil had a say as well.

I jumped slightly as the sound of the front door being unlocked reached my ear. I hadn't talked to Phil in days; how was I supposed to hold a conversation now?

"Philip?" My voice sounded hoarse and not as confident as intended. It was silent for a few seconds before the rustling of a jacket being taken off could be heard. But Phil didn't answer though. "Can I please talk to you?"

"What?" He had to be standing in the hallway, facing the lounge, because I could hear his voice clearly and loudly but couldn't see him.

I didn't dare to turn around, though. What was it that suddenly we were even avoiding eye contact? Not only me, but him as well?

"Who is she?"

Silence. He then sighed. "A good friend."

"Are you dating her?"

"This is not your business, Dan."

"Please, let us talk about this. You used to tell me about everything and now you're just-" In that moment I turned around, ready to face him and finally talk to him before everything was in total ruins.

But Phil had gone to his room already and the last sound I heard before he closed the door was the so familiar sound of the film equipment being moved to its place in front of his bed.

A/N: Happy pancake day everybody! We had some at school (very surprising in Finland) and they tasted so amazing! (no Delia Smith recipe tho)