The feelings that rushed through my body were magical, they were making me feel like I had purpose to be alive, but I knew I wasn’t going to act on them; everything had changed in the space of a few days. The fact that Kira had come back made me step up my game, it made me realise I had to protect Jessie and even though I was protecting Jessie more to the point, I was protecting my heart. I didn’t want to scare Jessie away; I mean I knew Jessie practically as much as she knew herself, I didn’t want to tell her I loved her because I knew Jessie wouldn’t feel the same. I was scared of getting my heartbroken and I was scared of losing Jessie.
Amelia-“I feel sick.” I announced as I looked over to Holly trying to avoid Jessie’s eye contact but I was saying it to both of them, to see how they re-acted. I didn’t feel sick, it was my lame excuse of trying to get out of Jessie’s show tonight, although I didn’t want to miss it, I didn’t want to see Jessie because I knew every second I spent with her, even if we weren’t talking or we were arguing, I was falling deeper and deeper in love.
Jessie-“But Am are you going to be okay to come to my show tonight?” Jessie asked as she looked at me. I looked up at her as I didn’t even know what I was going to say. I wanted to say no and I tried to, but as I looked into her eyes it was as if she was pleading with me, her lip was quivering and she genuinely looked upset.
Amelia-“Yeah of course, I’ll be fine.” I said to Jessie. She turned back around letting out an excited scream continuing to choose what she would wear. My eyes pierced the back of her neck as my thoughts were wondering over what I wish I could do to Jessie. My eyes ran all the way down from her bald perfectly shaped head to her bare feet. How could the way she made me feel make me feel so magical yet so sick. The name that kept re appearing in my head was Kira, I felt jealous, I was jealous that Jessie loved Kira, and she might still even. I knew it would be best to stay out of the way of Kira otherwise she might get more than a punch in the face, and I honestly didn’t want to lower myself any more than what I already had.
Jessie-“Am babe did you hear me? I said you can both chose anything you want to wear from my wardrobe whilst I go and get ready.” Jessie said as she came and stood right in front of me. I guess I was just paying too much attention on my feelings to focus on the real world. I tried to convince myself that this was all fake and I was just upset. I tried to tell myself that it was just emotions running inside me and anger that Kira had set of. I was dragged out of my thoughts by Holly talking to me I didn’t quite catch what she said and I didn’t want it to seem like I was day dreaming again, because that would just cause more questions, and I didn’t want to lie to Holly, not now that she knew everything she needed to, I couldn’t be bothered with the constant lying, apart from if it was to save Jessie, I’d do anything for that. So to save myself from all the questions from Holly asking me as to why I kept day-dreaming I just said ‘Yes’ I hoped she asked me a question that required a Yes or No answer and not something like “What time is it?”. Holly’s jaw dropped at my answer, and I looked at her a little oddly, she got excited by my answer and rushed next to my side to join me on the sofa.
Amelia-“Wait what did you say?” I asked, but it was too late Holly was already hyping.
Holly-“I so knew you loved her, I could tell you know Amelia, the way you look at her… why don’t you just tell her!?”
Amelia-“Wait who are we on about?” I asked, I mean it was pretty obvious but I just wanted to be on the right page here, I know love is a big thing, and I didn’t want the question to be “Do you love Susan Boyle.” I mean I know she’s a great singer but well yeah. Holly’s face fell.
Holly-“Well I just asked you if you truly love Jessie and you said yes, so I’m on about Jessie.” Okay that cleared that up, she wasn’t on about Susan Boyle, and she was definitely on about Jessie. I tried to beat around the bush to Holly using vocabulary such as ‘Well’ and ‘But’ but in the end something just poured out of me.
Amelia-“It’s just like when she’s around I can’t stop staring at her, I want her and I need her, I guess I just thought that was mine and Jessie’s relationship and she was just beautiful so I guess that’s what’s expected, you know to stare at her, but ever since Kira’s come back it’s triggered something of inside me, it’s always been there, I know it has, it’s just made me realise how every second I spend with her I fall deeper and deeper in love, and it can’t be like that between us, I can’t love my best friend, it’s just…” I cut of trying to think of what I could link it to being just like, but there was nothing, it was a indescribable feeling that felt so horrible and unwanted, like my heart was dedicated to a girl who someone had already claimed. My mind kept pinning back to Kira spitting her words at me. ‘You’re just some sloppy seconds, were as Jessie loves me, she always has and always will, you’ll see’ It made me feel hurt and like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I put my head in my hands.
Holly-“It’s just what Amelia?”
Amelia-“I don’t know Holly” I said as I sighed and stood up walking over to Jessie’s clothes picking the first casual thing I could find, Jessie’s Dope top and some black skin tight jeans with Jessie’s Nike air Jordon xi concord’s.
I sat in the front of the car as I didn’t want to sit by Jessie. I know that’s a shallow move and not a very cool one to cut her off, as it wasn’t her fault I was feeling this way, but I guess I just thought it would be better for the both of us to not be joined at the hip all of the time.
I was on twitter scrolling down my news feed answering loads of heartbeats questions about when we would be arriving as some of them had been standing in the cold for ages.
Jessie obviously didn’t understand I’d sat in the front of the car to get away from her.
*** 1 new message-Jessie***
