I often had wondered what my grandparents would have thought about my decision to move. They had been dead for about two years now, and had left the house to my mom. We had been living there since I was about eleven- with the divorce of my parents and all- and they had looked after me and my mom until their deaths. My grandmother went first, and then my grandfather followed a few minutes later. I've always wondered what it was like for them when they died,they died in their sleep so I like to think it didn't hurt them or anything. It's strange without them there, it made me realize how big a part they played in my life. I was glad that they were in a better place though. It really made me think about everything- my life as it was. I was a senior in high school and I still had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. All I knew was that I wasn't going to be happy if I stayed where I was.
Months went by; I finished my last year of school and my mom finished college. She became a nurse at an E.R in a city near by, and she got good pay, so I left home feeling confident she would be able to look after herself. After that, I got an apartment with my friend Stephanie, she would go off to college while I worked and took care of the apartment. I never really wanted to go to college- I just didnt know what I wanted to do for the rest of my life yet. I had gone to college for a year on a huge scholarship but dropped out the next year. I had kept a steady job since I was sixteen, so I still had saved up quite an amount of money. It took me a lot of time and thought to decide if I really wanted to go. I had always dreamed of moving to England- as you already know- but I couldnt help feeling scared out of my mind about moving again.
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It had always been hard on me when I moved. I switched schools three times by the time I was in sixth grade- now I know, that's really not that bad in comparison to some other kids. But I get attatched. Really easy. I just really wanted people to like me. Ever since I was a little kid, I would have imaginary friends. Now I know that sounds irrelevant, but trust me, it isn't. I had a huge downward spiral when I was in seventh grade. I had been the new girl the year before, and everyone had liked me- okay, there was a kid or two who couldn't stand me, but that was okay-. Everyone had been my best friend until seventh grade. There were more new people that year, so everyone decided to make friends with them- and left me. I realised it was all just an act what they did. They didn't really like me- they were all just being nice to me because I was the new girl. I had a friend or two that still talked to me, but it wasn't enough- it wasn't the same. I felt like everyone hated me- like I had suddenly turned into a freak. One day I was litrally so alone and so insane that I brought my imaginary friend to school with me.
Now I know, that sounds insane to you, like I belonged in a straight jacket. But it worked, everyone paid attention to me. I don't remember being picked on for it, everyone just smiled at me and played along. I could tell that some of them thought it was really stupid or felt sad for me. But they all played along and I got the attention that I had missed so long.
Now if you don't understand the point of this little rewind, I'll explain. I used to do anything for attention, I needed it to survive. I needed to know that people liked me- that I wasn't a freak. And for the longest time, I didn't realize that I was feeling the same way as everyone else- except the imaginary friend thing, I'm probably the only girl who can say she brought her imaginary friend to the seventh grade with her. After that phase I grew up a bit and even got a boyfriend the next year. (We won't get into detail about him except that he cheated on me- a lot) We broke up and I felt like a freak again for the next year and a half- the abrupt moving in of my father's friends which basically kicked me out for nine months and my favorite teacher leaving me occurred at this point in time and didn't help me either. I would get better, then plumit down a small hill over and over. I couldn't understand. Why was it so hard for me to be myself?? Why couldn't I just stop trying to make everyone happy and focus on being me? This was all of course, before I found Dan.
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Would it reallly be worth moving all the way to England? Sure, I had enough money, I had good grades my last few years of school. But would it be worth it? What would be my reason to move, I wanted to go have fun? I wanted to go sightseeing? I couldn't think of a single good reason. I opened the door to me and Stephanie's downtown apartment. Sure, it wasn't the fanciest thing on the block- but hey, rent was cheap and the internet was free. I kicked off my flats and walked into the kitchen to grab a snack. I could tell Stephanie was in her room watching re-runs of Glee because I heard her lightly sobbing. The show had been cancelled only a few days before, and there wasn't a single epsiode she hadn't already watched five times. I decided to grab her a soda as well and slowly walked up to her door.
"Steph?" I said as I opened her door cautiously. She was sitting on her twin-sized bed with a pilliow in front of her face, covering her up to her nose. "I just thought you might want a drink." I gave her the soda as I glanced at her television. The episode was a very old one, back from 2010 I thought. She looked up at me with her now reddened eyes as if to ask what I wanted- I knew she was probably too upset to talk. Who could blame her? I would probably go sit in an alleyway and die if I found out Dan or Phil was quiting Youtube. (Okay, mostly Dan, but hey I'd still be really really sad if Phil quit too!!) I saw her eyes lighten up a bit and decided to give her a hug. Then I just sat there at the edge of her bed.
I never really was a fan of Glee, and she never really was a fan of Dan and Phil either. I knew that she probably wouldn't want someone to try and make her feel better- not just yet anyways. I always hated that. I loved all of my high school friends, but they drove me crazy sometimes. Whenever I was depressed, they would always try to make me feel better. And I know that's really cool because not everyone is like that, but lots of times it was the wrong thing to do for me. Occasionally it did make me feel better talking to them; but sometimes the heart needs to feel sadness. It's a part of life. Sometimes a person just needs someone to sit there with them- without saying a word. Just make them feel like it's okay to be sad; that even though they wish they could comfort you, or even if they have no idea how to, they will still be there for you no matter what you go through.
I sat there with Steph for about another hour, occasionally hugging her when she broke down. Eventually she fell asleep, so I pulled her comforter over her,grabbed her empty soda can, and walked out into the kitchen/living room area again. I put the can on the counter- deciding to wash it out later, and then walked over to the couch. I turned on the t.v. before grabbing my laptop. I didn't pay attention to what channel was on, I just needed noise so I wouldn't freak out about being alone. I went onto Tumblr, Twitter, and Facebook. I refreshed the pages a few times before giving up on being entertained. I closed my laptop, leaned back on the couch, and started listening to the show that was on. It was a court show. I had always wanted to be a lawyer since I was about thirteen, but had eventually blown it off seeing that I probably wouldn't like it. I sat up. My thoughts began to warm up more and more to the idea.
"Hello, my name is Y/N. I'm a lawyer" I thought to myself. I began to laugh a bit, imagining how strange it would be to become a lawyer. It was a crazy idea, but I liked it. This was it- this was my ticket to England. I would go to study law there. With that, I turned my laptop back on and began looking up different universities and plane ticket prices. I can't believe I might actually be doing this. I smiled to myself.
