stuck inside ; phan [ completed ]

four

❝ i remember the day

when i stopped feeling.

because no one told me

emptiness was an emotion too.

that it tears you apart,

makes you feel as if

your organs aren't even wrapped in your skin anymore.

and darling,

this is far far worse. ❞

╰☆╮

phil lester couldn't believe this was happening to him. he was a good person; he didn't deserve something like this. he believed no one deserved this horrible feeling, but if anyone was undeserving, then it was him.

he gazed down at dan. he looked so pale in the buzzing hospital light, his features even more highlighted than normal. phil figured that he looked translucent, as he was quite pale in the first place, but he hadn't been in front of a mirror in so long. he went home every day to shower and all, but he didn't waste time to get back. he was worried that within the half an hour he was gone, dan would wake up.

phil's boyfriend was in a coma. there was no way to sugar coat it, and there was the high possibility of dan never waking up. his accident was bad; there was no other word for it, and if phil knew one, he would use it. dan's car was hit head-on by a mac truck. it was a miracle he was even alive. he sustained severe head injuries, as well as injuries every where else on his body. what was truly distressing phil was that dan could still die, even though he survived a car crash that was supposed to kill him. he was supposed to be dead.

when he was looking back at it, it hit him. that accident was supposed to kill dan. his boyfriend was supposed to be dead. it was in that moment it truly hit him how serious the situation was. he could be alone right now. he could be back at their shared flat, and the flat wouldn't be shared anymore. he would have to go to a funeral. there'd have to be a wake. the little box in the back phil's dresser would have to be returned or sold, or maybe kept for the memory. people would look at him with pity in their eyes. the 'i'm sorry's and 'dear that's terrible!'s would be directed to him now. phil was the only family dan had. he was the only one who came to his hospital room day after day, and he was the only one who cried himself to sleep every night, just praying that dan was alright. of course, there were his friends, like louise and tyler and cat and chris and pj, who visited once a week at least, but sometimes he thought that maybe it was to check up on himself instead of dan. it could just be his own mind speaking.

phil took dan's hand in his and intertwined, something he did quite often. normally, dan wouldn't have reacted, but this time, dan's fragile fingers bent into phil's. he knew he was supposed to call the doctor in a situation such as this; it was the first time dan had moved in a month or so. he wanted to savor the moment, he wanted to feel the cold skin of dan's weak hand clutching his, even if ever so slightly.

 ╰☆╮

it started with his hand.

it was warm, and in his dreams,

he saw a boy

with black hair

and piercing blue eyes.

the boy was smiling at him,

reaching out his hand,

and dan took it

and smiled back.

now, he'd been warm

ever since.

and it started with his hand.

 ╰☆╮

"now that he's developed, we're sure he should be just fine." the doctor said, sympathetically smiling at phil. phil nodded, smiling down to dan, who was still gripping his hand. "i do want to talk to you about some of our research," the doctor continued, and phil frowned. "alright," he said, following the doctor to a smaller, office like room.

"looking back at his records, daniel has a very stable mental heath," the doctor said carefully. phil nodded slowly, not understanding why the doctor felt the need to mention that. "well.. you know that in a coma, people can normally sense things around them, correct?" phil nodded again, remaining silent. "it seems daniel's subconscious has created a wall for itself. reports from our neuroscience lab have told us that instead of sensing the things going on around him, like he usually would, his subconscious has created another world inside of his head," the doctor explained slowly, like phil was a child and not an adult who could understand.

"what does this mean for when he wakes up?" phil asked timidly. he didn't know if he wanted the answer that followed. "we aren't really sure. he could wake up totally fine, and be completely aware of this reality. he could also wake up stuck in the reality he'd created.. or he could wake up and not remember anything at all.." the doctor stated, dragging out the last word, waiting for phil's reaction. initially, he had no reaction at all. he was shocked. he hadn't even considered the thought of dan not remembering him. he prayed to god that dan remembered. he wanted dan to wake up and kiss his smiling face and he didn't want to have and explain himself and his friends and their shared flat and all the photos of them and he desperately  wanted to be married to the boy he loved most in the world but he couldn't do that if the boy he loved most in the world didn't know who he was.

"th-thanks for letting me know doc," phil muttered, and left the door open as he walked back to dan's room. the doctor shook his head sadly and watched the poor boy leave.

(a/n)

word count ; 958

this was so sad to write why must i do this to myself ++ last chapter is next ahhh