What's Beauty Without Her Beast?

Part 37- Unforgivable

"Guilt is the source of sorrow, 'tis the fiend, The avenging fiend, that follows us behind, With whips and stings." -Nicholas Rowe

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*Konnor's P.O.V.*

I sat down in the aircraft, trying to get comfortable in what little room I had. The plane was filled with people, guns, and other objects of destruction. I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the wall, the images of her flashing through my vision.In that black dress, she was stunning. I could smell her sweet perfume from across the table; it was the same sexy scent as always. I couldn't get enough of her.

Then she walked out of that door.

The truth is, she was damaged. It took all I had not to hold her, to stroke her hair, to tell her it would all be okay. I didn't.

Damn it, Konnor.

Someone sat down beside me, but I didn't look. I kept my eyes closed- I wanted to see her more. As long as I had that image of her, I was calm.

"How long you been in?" The deep voice said from beside me. I finally opened my eyes to see Jackson Miller looking over at me curiously.

"Roughly 8 months," I replied, closing my eyes again. This time, I didn't see her. I just saw pitch black. My heart sank. What if she's gone forever?

"You're Konnor Adams, right?" He asked, and I nodded.

Things got quiet, and I thought he was done talking, but he wasn't.

"You still with Natalie?"

I opened my eyes again to look at him as the aircraft started to close up and take off.

"No," I said. "I broke up with her before I left for BMT."

He shook his head. "Man, biggest mistake you'll ever make. You realize that, right?"

"Yeah, I know. I was being stupid at the time. I thought staying together while I was away was a bad decision. I thought it would hurt her, and I didn't want to hurt her. I didn't want to be the source of her pain. Turns out, I only hurt her more by breaking her heart, then leaving."

I don't know why I was rambling on about Natalie to him. He was still in love with her for all I knew. But I had heard he was married now to some girl. That doesn't stop him from thinking about her, though. I guess I was talking to him because he understood; like an ex-boyfriend to ex-boyfriend kind of thing.

"I completely understand what you mean."

"But there's more to it. I left her because I didn't want a relationship while I was in the military. Then my dumbass self calls her 5 days later to tell her I had moved on, and that she should do the same."

"Again, I get what you're saying. After all, I am the one who cheated on her. I was unfaithful. And she had wanted to fix things at first; she convinced me I could be better than that, but I wouldn't listen to her. I thought I didn't love her. It wasn't until I found out Dakota was cheating on me that I realized I did love her. And honestly, I still do, to this day."

"I know the whole story, Jackson. Don't you remember? I was the guy she came running to when she was ready to get over you. I wasn't supposed to be anything more than a rebound. We were both heartbroken and wanted to just have fun and use each other to feel better. But it didn't turn out that way. We fell for each other, one at a time, me falling first. She still had her guard up, though."

"My fault. If I wouldn't have chea-"

"Man, don't say that shit. The one thing Natalie absolutely hates is when other people blame themselves. She says it doesn't do any good if it's something in the past. She would want you to get over it and move on."

"Move on I have done," he says, looking down at his hands, "but get over it? I don't think I will."

I nodded, because I understood him completely. But there was one difference.

I couldn't get over it. I couldn't even move on. Not anymore.

She had my heart. That's the end of the story.

I was one hundred percent done for.

The plane started to take off, so I sat back and tried to relax. My heart was racing, however. Every time I thought about Natalie, my blood pumped harder and my heart beat faster. When I was around her, nothing could compare to that feeling. When she said she loved me, I was on top of the world, floating on awkward shaped clouds. I smiled, but then...I realized...

I'll never hear her say it again.

"I saw her yesterday," I admitted to Jackson. We made eye contact and he raised his eyebrows in curiosity.

"And how did that go?"

"Her niece just died, she was coming back from the funeral. She looked like a wreck, but a beautiful wreck."

"No amount of cuts and scars could substitute her beauty," he said. "Even Aphrodite has nothing on her. She could be dressed in rags and still look like a million bucks."

"I know. And I wanted to hold her and tell her I was here for her, and that I was sorry for what I had done months ago."

"But you didn't."

"Because I feel unforgivable."

"You and me both, bud," he patted me on the back. "Where'd you see her?"

"Starbucks. Apparently she had just moved into a nice apartment next door to the coffee shop. I asked if she had moved in with her boyfriend, and she told me she didn't have one. I was honestly happy when she told me, but then again she-"

"Doesn't deserve to be lonely. I know. I felt the exact same after I left her. But then I realized, it was for the best."

I laid my head back now that the conversation was over, and tried to concentrate on the future ahead of me. I wanted to come back home. I didn't want to die out here. I wanted to see Natalie again, even if I could never fix things with her, I wanted to see her.

"Yeah," I agreed, "it probably is."

But was it really? Or was I just thinking that to murder my guilt over what happened?

***

A.N.- I'm hoping to update and even finish the book soon! Within a matter of 3 weeks I'll post the LAST THREE CHAPTERS!!! Eeeeeeeek!

I know this chapter was kind of bland, but it does show how Konnor feels and his guilt compared to Jackson's from the past. The next chapter will be intense. I've got some ideas. (;

XOXO
-Lucky8Girl.<3