Remember When **Under MAJOR Editing**

Chapter 5

Later, holding hands, we crossed the bridge over the sand dunes and sat on the wooden stairs, looking out over the party. This was perfect. We were part of the party but apart from it, above it, because of what we'd just shared.

Then he asked,"You want a beer?"

The question struck me as funny. I never drank. I was afraid of losing control that way. All my friends knew this about me, except the one I'd just lost my virginity to.
"Why're you laughing?" he slurred. "I take that as a yes?"
"No thanks. Not while I'm in training." I put my hand on my belly and phrased my refusal in terms Zack would accept. As an athlete, he would understand abstaining for the sake of training, even if it would never occur to him to abstain himself.

"Mind if I get one?" he asked, already pushing up to standing, steadying himself with one hand on my shoulder. If he'd been sober, he would have known he was putting enough weight on me to hurt me.

I didn't mind. I grinned through it. "I'll be waiting." I watched him walk across the sand, into the shadows toward the beer stash against the sand dunes, staggering only a little.

A few seconds later a silhouette moved back toward me. That was fast. But the silhouette was too small to be Zack, and as it moved closer I recognized the outline of girly curls. Lily.  I felt like I hadn't seen her in a year. She dashed up the stairs and scattered sand over me as she plunked down next to me. Over the noise of crashing waves, she stage-whispered, "I just heard you hooked up with Zack Moore!"
"We did," I said.
"No, I mean I heard you did it with Zack Moore."
I suppressed the urge to glance suspiciously at the parking lot behind me, beyond the bridge. I'd noticed fogged-up windows in cars when I first arrived.
People could have seen Zack  and me too. I asked carefully, "Where did you hear that?"
"From Zack Moore!"
"Oh." I wasn't sure what to make of this. I hadn't counted on Zack kissing and telling. But he was drunk, and I forgave him. He must be happy about what we'd done, or he wouldn't announce it. "We did," I said again.
Lily persisted, "Wasn't that your first time? Ever?"
"Yes. He was really sweet."
Lily frowned at me and bit her lip. I was beginning to get a little annoyed with her. I felt good about what Zack and I had done, but Lily's response gave me second thoughts. I did not want second thoughts. I reminded her, "Zack and I are good friends." "Yeah,"shesaid.
"Everybody at Splash Central told me all summer we should hook up."

"Yeah." She nodded slowly. "That is great, Mya."
"I'm happy." I wrapped my arms around my knees and hugged myself. The breeze off the ocean remained steady, but suddenly it seemed colder. "Where's Mckenzie?"
"Embarrassing me," Lily said bitterly. "I will never get laid at this rate."

I unwrapped one arm from my knees and fingered her springy red curls. "Give it time. It will happen."

"Oh, like you're the expert on this suddenly in the last five minutes." My hand stopped in her hair. Not that it mattered in the dark, but I could feel the blood rushing to my face with anger at what she'd said to me, and embarrassment at what I'd said to her. I did sound like a sex ed film from middle school PE class.

"I'm sorry," she said quickly. "That was ugly. I didn't mean it that way." "I know what you meant." I tugged at her curls for a few more strokes, even though I didn't want to, to show her everything was okay. We were quiet at
first, but eventually we talked about the swim meet next Saturday and pretended nothing had happened. I yawned, terribly tired now, done with this party. I could probably sleep, even after the day I'd had, even at my dad's house. I wished Zack would come back with his beer. I would offer to take him home, and we would have a sweet parting of ways at the end of our first night together.

He did not come back. After a few minutes I would go looking for him, worried. My brief search would begin to feel hysterical, thinking something had happened to him, only at the very end. Then my friends would tell me Zack had pitched over in the sand, and the guys had helped him across the next bridge down the beach, to the parking lot. Stephanie Wetzel lived in his neighborhood, and she had taken him home.
But chatting with Lily and watching the silhouettes dotting the beach, I didn't know this yet, and I couldn't have predicted it. I still hugged my knees to my chest, almost as if I needed comfort. I felt okay, though. In the opposite direction Zack had headed, an unseen boy asked in an incredulous tone, "Zack Moore and Mya Commander?" and a girl shushed him. That was okay too. They would get used to it. So would I.

For that short school week, I was almost glad Britney was pregnant with my father's baby. It kept me busy. Late Labor Day night when I came in from the party, I found a note from Britney saying she had moved my bedroom. It used to be upstairs next to my parents' room. Britney had put me on the first floor, in what used to be the guest room. She said she wanted the baby's room upstairs with her. She had made up the guest room bed for me with my old comforter.

I spent the rest of the week unpacking stuff I'd wanted from my mom's apartment and arranging it perfectly. Then I volunteered to put together the high chair and baby swing Britney and my dad had bought in Houston. All this was complicated by the bustle of workmen in the house. Britney insisted that they finish the kitchen remodel before she and my dad left Saturday for their trip to Hawaii to get married. And my dad was having cameras installed.

They'd planned their elopement weeks ago. They hadn't planned on a dependent minor in the house. My dad's solution was to have cameras record everything that went on while he was gone, and he could view the video on the internet. We used to have a cat, and when we went on vacation, my mom always wanted to board her at the vet. My dad wanted to fill lots of bowls with cat food, shut her up in the house, and leave her. She'd be okay, he'd say. What could happen? I was a cat, and the vet was closed for repairs.

I hardly minded. I didn't want to go with them to Hawaii, and I didn't want them to miss their trip and resent me. And I appreciated all the activity in preparation. Now I understood why people went to so much trouble over funerals, with wakes and food and flowers and caskets and choices. It gave them something to do besides mourn unbearably. In my mind I hardly ever slipped back to my mother's bedroom and tried to fix everything, until I lay in bed at night, praying for sleep.

Zack was another bright spot in my week. It wasn't his fault we didn't see each other. His football practice lasted even longer in the afternoons than my swim team practice. Our classes and our lunch periods were different. Everybody had break at the same time between second and third periods, but I was hurrying between history and calculus then, and he was probably on the other end of the school. I'd never asked around or gone searching for him because that's the kind of thing his chicks did before me, back in the summer when it was raining girls through his sunroof. My relationship with him was different because we had been dear friends first. I didn't need to be reassured constantly that he wanted to be with me.
Besides, my friends brought him up all the time, amazed and vaguely amused that we were together, so it was almost like he sat next to me in everyclass. He texted me a message with cute misspellings at least once a day, which I actually found annoying because whenever I saw the light on my phone blinking, for a split second I always hoped my mother had called me. And on Thursday night when my phone rang and I threw down my fork in the middle of the nice spaghetti dinner Britney had made with my dad's help and scrambled into the guest room to find my phone, that was also Zack, not my mom. He'd called to tell me he couldn't go out with me Friday night after his game because the football team was throwing their own beach party, boys only. That was fine. I understood.

The only bad thing that happened all week was that Dade started pressing my buttons about my mother. At least, I thought so. The first two weeks of school, he'd come to swim practice on time like everybody else. Since we practiced the last period of school, he had no reason to be late. All he had to do was cross the courtyard from the liberal arts wing. But every day this week, he had been tardy. We were supposed to arrive on time, change into our swimsuits, get in the water, and warm up while Coach wrapped things up with the junior varsity team that practiced before us. As varsity team captain, I was in charge of turning in anyone who didn't comply.

This terrified me. I hadn't heard any rumors about my mom, so I assumed Dade was keeping mum. He hadn't tried to talk to me about it.

Whatever he'd been so desperate to yell at me at the party on Monday night, he'd decided it could wait. But I didn't want to press my luck by turning him in and angering him. Each day I gently reprimanded him about being late. He snapped back at me and was late again the next day.

The swim team forced my hand. Mckenzie and Lily asked why I showed favoritism to Dade. The boys called Dade a diva and demanded that I turn his ass in. In the end I hoped Dade would realize I had no choice, and he would not retaliate in kind.

That's when my luck ran out.