" The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul."
I have not lost any sleep over this, nor will I once it has been done. It is necessary for me to do it and therefore it shall be done. My face feels hot from the fire and I know the burning wood smell will seep into my clothes. I will put them straight into soak before I retire to bed.
I put the pot of water directly on the fire, I want it to boil quickly, in fact, it is imperative it boils as quickly as possible. I really cannot risk one of the children coming into the kitchen at the crucial moment and disrupting my routine.
"He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake." I carry on reciting the psalm as I walk with the grace of a ballet dancer to the kitchen door. I push the heavy stone door doorstep behind the door. This will buy me a few more seconds should I be interrupted. I remove my shoes and leave them at the entrance to the larder. I do not want them to click on the parquet floor. The house is sleeping, I can hear mice scratching behind the skirting boards and the crackle of the wood, but no other sounds come to me. I feel happy and content to be alone with my thoughts.
I collect a china tea-cup and saucer from the welsh dresser and take it to the fire, it is raging now and every so often it spits as if it is angry. I observe that my hands remain stock steady throughout. I place the tea-cup on the hearth and reach into my pinafore. The water is beginning to gurgle and I pray it won't be much longer. I bring out the small glass bottle from my pocket and notice how ugly the liquid is, murky brown and thick like syrup. The rest I keep hidden in the attic.
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..."
My hand has been forced. I really do not think I can reconcile what I am doing with God, but I feel God must understand me and support my needs, and will show me a way to atone for my sins. I feel peaceful knowing God is with me, guiding me.
I remove the stopper and pour the muddy liquid into the tea-cup, not too much. I measure it very carefully, very precisely, Laudanum is a very bitter-sweet taste and I would not want her to detect it. I take the small wire tea strainer from the muslin covered jar the tea is kept in. I am noticing a slight wobble has crept into my left hand. "...for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." I shake the tea into the strainer and dust around the cup with my apron to remove the spill-over. The water is simmering now. I look at the time; the clock hands do not appear to be moving. "You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies." I feel an age has passed since I first vehemently insisted on making the mistress this bedtime cup of tea.
I can, in the sight of God, honestly say that I did think of alternatives, but after much thought, it was clear to me that I needed a much more final solution. I take a ginger biscuit from the tin. "You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows." I told the mistress I would bring her one with her tea to try and stop her sickness. She has, unsurprisingly, vomited a lot recently and they say ginger is good for sickness. The doctor has yet to discover why, he has listed all manner of possible causes for her ailments, with the exception of the one thing that is actually causing her illness. Sometimes I think the cause is me, but then I remember that I have no choice in the matter, that this is the way it has to be.
I want the master, but he appears so besotted with his wife that he has never looked at me in that way, and that needs to change; it must change. They haven't been married long, less than a year in fact, but she is very young. His first wife died of diphtheria and left two children behind. I thought that my opportunity had come at last, but not long after the funeral he brought her home and all of a sudden they were married. I never thought he'd marry such a young lady, but everyone says it is true love. It is rare in my experience as housekeeper to see a married man so doting on his wife. The mistress has always been kindly to me; I do not hate or resent her. I simply see her as an obstacle in my path, like a steep hill one has to climb to get a better view.
The children are unavoidable damage. I think it will appear more realistic if they are to perish also. I will take a longer and more careful time over this act than I have in disposing of the mistress. The water is boiling now. I take a cloth and remove the pot , and notice that the fire is now burning white hot. The room is so intensely hot I can feel my clothes sticking to my body, and my face is on fire. I will have to open a window. I will have to cool down. I would not want anyone to think that I have been up to mischief, because I have not. This is just a means to an end.
Thankfully, the fire has negated the need for candles; the less light, the better. I pour the boiling water very carefully; I do not wish to get splashed. I pour it over the tea leaves and watch it mix slowly with the Laudanum. I chose Laudanum over Arsenic because it is a similar colour to tea, it is very difficult to tell the difference, whereas arsenic is a white powder and can be spotted by an observant eye. I read in a newspaper that a lady was to hang because she had murdered her husband by sprinkling arsenic over a joint of meat. It had the desired effect, and he died in agony of stomach complaints, but the lady had forgotten to remove the joint of meat from the house and the police spotted the white powder. It is so very important to pay attention to every little detail.
I remove the strainer and add three sugar lumps and a decent wedge of lemon, to disguise the bitter-sweet taste of the Morphine. I stir the tea repeatedly, obsessively; the more I stir perhaps the more it will hide the taste. I think of my psalm of David, the psalm that will save me. The psalm I use to speak directly to God.
"The LORD is my shepherd,
I shall not be in want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever."
I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever, I will fear no evil. Perhaps there is no such thing as evil, just a means to an end. I know God will forgive me. I go back to the door and remove the doorstop.
