Adulting

Ch. 1: One of the worst episodes of 2016 and of my life

After a night of getting drunk, going through the motions of being a fool, puking in the bathroom or in someone's else's car, I always promise to never drink again. That is the biggest lie ever. Then the next week I start partying and drinking again. This looks bad and you might be wondering if I'm some cool chick. First, I am not cool. Second, I'm plain and for some, probably next to ugly. Or probably you're thinking if I'm a raging alcoholic or drug addict. This may surprise you but I'm just a normal adult. I use the word normal loosely so keep up. What's normal for me may be psychotic or mental for you.

It's a Sunday morning. I remember changing my clothes, locking my front door and bawling my eyes out the previous night, no, seven hours earlier. This was one of my crazy, drunken stories that I hope to never tell my children. Imagine this. I'm in a women's bathroom, in a gay bar, hugging my best friend, crying, breaking down, drunk, confessing about not getting over my past and my failed attempts of suicide that was more than five years ago.

A depressing public confession at one of the most happiest places in this world. Everything seemed blurry when I try to piece together what happened. I do remember stepping out of the small bathroom stall and seeing an old acquaintance.

"Oh my gosh, Ana!" I squealed. Let's call her Ana. "Oh my gosh, girl...how have you been?" She asked.

"I'm good." I paused for a second. "You were right..." I started sobbing then. "We were never meant to be together."

Ana comforted me then said, "I know, girl, all this time. I know."

"What do you mean?" I asked very confused by what she said.

"Oh you were so stubborn. Clearly from the start it was never meant to be..."

My friend who was with me at the time tried her best, her very best to calm me down. I was being hysterical, crying, sobbing and barely any words coming out of me were incoherent. "It's okay." My friend said and then patted me on the back.

"No, it's not! After all this time!" I was wailing at this point. No one dared to come into the bathroom.

The next scene, I was hugging my boyfriend. He was very confused. He's used to me seeing me being drunk and wild but not like this. I was crying, emotionally depressed and broken down, flat out on the floor. I could hear the party music, the dropping of the bass but none of that mattered. Earlier, I was partying hard to EDM at the first club we've been to and now I was just drunk and uncontrollable, crying, depressed and of course drunk.

We sat outside the bar when all of my friends were gathered. "Oh my God! I never got over him! I never got over that I tried to kill myself!" I publicly confessed, yeah, everyone outside could hear, my friends and even my significant other, that some years ago I overdosed on sleeping pills and tried to slit my wrists. "I put a knife here but I couldn't do it!" I was still crying when I demonstrated that I took a kitchen knife and tried to slit my left wrist. This went on for some time. I poured my hart out. Poured out my regrets in life and the friendships that were broken by me or others, friendships made and broken throughout the years.

"Vivian, we're still here. " Jessa, my best friend whom I was with in the bathroom. She assured me that my friends will help and support me. "I'm still here and you're so lucky to have Edward in your life." She referred to my boyfriend. I was really sorry for him that he had to see me and hear the stuff coming out of my mouth. "I know." I turned to my boyfriend, Edward. "I'm so sorry...I thought that I was ok but I'm not." I still couldn't stop crying.

Anyway, back to Sunday morning, a new day. I don't want to remember last night. I'm still blessed that I have friends, real friends and for Edward. Through my ups and downs and craziness they were still understanding. I could care even less about the stares I got from people last night. They must be thinking, ok, I'm just another drunk bitch. True. But next time I see someone drunk and crying I won't judge. They must have been going through some emotional trauma just like what happened to me.

I checked my phone to see if anyone messaged me.

Jessa: Hey Drunkie? Are you ok?

Me: Yeah, I'm cool. :)

Jessa: Haha! You were so crazy last night! I still love you!

I messaged Edward, my boyfriend, my one true significant other.

Me: Hey, what's up?

Edward: Don't worry. I'm not mad. I"m just surprised that you're still not over your past.

Me: I know and I'm sorry.

Edward: I just to my best to understand you. Next time don't puke on my car, again...Grrrr!!!!

Me: I love you. :)

Vivian, me, a lucky bitch to have awesome friends and an awesome boyfriend. It's so stupid to be depressed and be held back by my past. I have the most wonderful people in my life. So, why the breakdown last night?