Minnesota Goodbyes

Entry #65

I don't want to think about the other day. When I was done crying, I went to class for the first time in ages and sat in the very last row. Most of me wanted to leave, but the professor started speaking about duality, about London and Paris, and it just pulled me in. When class was over, I even held back and listened to him answer questions other students had about the lecture, and I can't remember doing something like that for a year.

Is that a betrayal? Because I keep thinking about all the ways we betrayed each other, about the ways we couldn't love each other, about the ways our we ended in a snowstorm. And maybe I need to pick us apart before I can put us back together, even though she'll never get to see it.

Maybe my betrayal is not telling the truth because I didn't want to. Because here is the truth.

This is how the story goes: they meet and fall in love and destroy each other and themselves. Isn't that always how it goes?

The way we saw each other fucked us up.

And we didn't even notice until it was far too late. We're forever separated because I wanted to be the person she thought I was. Because I thought she was more important than everything and I lost myself in her, and she in me.

It's a romantic thought, giving up everything for someone else.

But we shattered against each other, fractured beyond repair. We couldn't survive apart until there was no we, and survival, at its basest form, is not enough for me. It's so, so clear now. I was a shell without her and she... she left and I broke because I couldn't hold myself up.

There was nothing and nothing and n o t h i n g. I had carved myself out and we've been dead since the day we met.

I'm going to be sick. I miss her and I killed her by not seeing her and she died because she couldn't see either and how could we be so blind and stupid? How could we think that being one instead of two was stronger and that there would be no consequences except that perfect future we didn't even bother imagining because it was owed to us?

We were so, so stupid and now we is dead.

I was so fucking stupid and I still want her and us and we were broken but at least we were and

I need to stop.

Stop thinking because I'm going to start crying about losing her again and losing me and everything we fucked up and why couldn't it be easy like it was at the beginning before we destroyed ourselves?

I was so fucking stupid, and I can't do this anymore. I can't keep destroying us both.