Consumed

Chapter 19: Milan

My brother let my parents know what happened while I was sleeping, and we've been hoping and praying for Meri to come back to us for the last four days. Today is her birthday, and we have no idea what has been going on this whole time. We go back to school on Monday tomorrow, and I've been praying desperately for her to be there.

It's a proven fact that people tend to pray their hardest when something horrible is about to happen, has happened, or is happening. I'm not an exception to that rule by any means. If my prayers could mean Meri's safety and a chance to restore our prior relationship, I'm not going to play around with it.

I sit in front of a window, staring at the flurries outside my window. Pressing my nose to the glass, I let out a sigh. The window fogs up. My gaze glosses over with tears as I stare into the white space outside. My stomach feels hollow, and I feel lonelier than I have in ages. I'm not a stranger to being lonely, really. I got used to it after Min left for college.

I get up and wander to Meri's bedroom. Since that day at her stepfather's house, I've taken to sleeping in her bedroom. Yes, it is kind of a strange, desperate move. When I'm in a better mood, Min has, in the last few days, teased me about being a lovesick puppy. Even in good moods, I can't muster the strength to care.

Until Meri was gone, I didn't realize how much she meant. With her gone I've started noticing the little things that she did to make me laugh or smile. The way she bit her lip to keep from laughing or spun around in lazy circles when she was happy and thought no one could see her. Her smile. The rich, soft laugh she has. Her shy smile when I complimented her. The way she'd sometimes let me hold her hand when we walked around town, and the way she ran to me when she was scared or hurting made me feel special.

Now I feel as though I've failed her and done everything wrong. Otherwise, she would be here now where she was happy and laughed or smiled whenever she felt like it. She'd be dancing around the house, singing softly when she thought no one was around, and playing Monopoly or Scrabble with me. She'd be making pizza with me every Friday and helping pop the popcorn for Saturday movie night.

"Hey, Milan?" Min rested a hand on my shoulder. "We're going to watch something. You want to join us? We've got popcorn."

I flinch. He doesn't understand that Saturday movie nights and popcorn remind me of Meri because this is the first time it's come up. "Nah..." I whisper, my voice hoarse from disuse and tears. "You go on... I'm going to stay here or go to bed early... And I have homework."

Min sighs and sits down on the ledge of the bay-window beside me. "Mil, you can't keep doing this to yourself. You haven't done anything for the last four days besides shut yourself up in her room, hold her pillow, cry — yes, I know you do, and there's no shame in it — and pray for her to come back. Oh, and you stare out the window all the time, hoping she'll come back. You barely eat anything, and you didn't want pizza yesterday either. I know you miss her; mom and dad do too. We're all worried about her, but we're not doing her any good by moping around. If she came back right now, do you think she'd be happy to see you a bag of bones with bags under your eyes from lack of sleep?"

I hang my head, ashamed. "No."

"Then how about that movie?"

Even though I know I can't keep driving myself to distraction, I can't stand the idea of watching a movie and eating popcorn while she's locked up in that house. But I should at least eat some of that popcorn. My stomach rumbles, reiterating that idea. I didn't eat much for dinner. "No," I whisper. "But can you bring up a bowl of the popcorn? I think I could maybe manage that." Turning my face back toward the window, I cross my arms, holding back my tears. It embarrasses me to know that everyone in the house is fully aware of how negatively Meri's disappearance impacts me.

"Sure... Extra butter and light salt?"

"You know it," I mumble, trying to act casual.

He claps me on the back. "Try to cheer up?"

I shrug and get up, meandering back to Meri's bedroom. His face falls when I go past, and I know I'm disappointing him. I feel bad for that, but I can't rouse myself from the stupor I'm in. Nothing anyone's done all week has helped. They tried to get me to play Monopoly. I refused because I couldn't look at the board without thinking about how many hours Meri and I played together. They wanted me to watch Frankenstein, which is one of my favorites. I couldn't do that either because it reminded me of the first time Meri came to stay permanently, and it reminds me of what might never be again.

Even the smell of the popcorn is bringing an onslaught of memories that I want to either forget or relive until she comes back. But they make me too sad when I come out of the daze, so I try to hold the tide of memories back. Her room is the only place where I can find a haven from the turmoil inside me. Her smell lingers in the air and on the clothes in the closet, the bed, her desk chair, and in the shampoo in the shower. I feel closer to her just by being in here, and it's currently the best I can do.

I settle down on her bed and grab the pillow I got her for Christmas. It too has taken on her distinct smell because it's been in contact with the rest of the bedding. I've kept everything exactly how she left it to preserve the memory and to make it feel as though she could be back at any moment.

My gaze drifts to the large bay window as I lie down on my side and let myself relax a little. Min's footsteps echo on the stairs, and then he pops into the room with a bowl of popcorn. "You sure you want to stay up here? I can stay with you if you want company."

I sit up and take the bowl, staring at it dispassionately. Now that it's in front of me, my stomach churns uneasily, rejecting the idea of food. Still, Min took the time to try to help, so I muster a weak smile and shake my head. "I'll be fine up here, Min. Go spend time with mom, dad, and Zhilan."

He looks doubtful, but he nods and leaves quietly, shutting the door behind him.

Once he's gone, I wander into the bathroom and turn on the shower. Stripping, I stand in the cold air while the water heats up. Then I ease into the hot torrent. Once I'm in the shower, I feel safe. I feel like I can actually break down like I've been wanting to all day. Depression slams into my chest, making it difficult to breathe. Tears prickle at my eyes, but they refuse to fall.

I slide down the slippery tile wall of the shower and sit on the floor, my knees pulled to my chest. Tilting my head back, I rest it against the wall and let the water pummel everything from my shoulders down. The tears still don't want to come, but after a few minutes of pondering what I'm feeling and going through, they do come.

When they come, they don't stop. After a bit, I step out of the shower and towel off. Weariness drags at me as the depression becomes a weight on my legs, making me feel sluggish and disengaged. Everything around me seems unimportant and useless.

Staring down at the bowl of popcorn, I think about eating it. My stomach grumbles at me, so I sit down and begin making myself eat a few handfuls. In the last four days, I've eaten a bowl of cereal, a burger, and a few fries. I've hardly touched anything besides water, and I haven't had much of that either. My skin is pale, my hair tangled, and my eyes are dark with misery. Dark smudges have set in underneath my eyes from the lack of sleep due to nightmares and insomnia. In short, I'm a mess.

But I don't care. I just want Meri to come back. Clearly, I can't be happy. It seems as though life is conspiring to take away the few people I love. Be fair now... You still have Mom, Dad, Min, and his fiancée. I chide myself for being so pessimistic. A part of me, however, argues about that. Maybe you do, but it doesn't change how alone you feel right now. You loved Meri, and she's gone. No matter how many people you have, that will leave a hole.

That part of me is right, but so is the other side. I feel so torn by everything going on right now. Honestly, I have no idea where to turn or what to do. My parents have talked to me about it, but they don't have the answers either. Because the question I want answered is why.

Why did this happen to Meri? Why did she leave this place if she was happy? She's certainly not happy with Petre, so why did she go back? Why did this happen to me? Why is life so unfair? Just why? Every question comes back to the bigger question. Why? Unfortunately, no one seems to know why. I certainly don't, and I doubt I will for a long time if I ever do.

With that in mind, I curl up on the bed, clutching the soft pillow to my chest, and fall asleep from pure exhaustion.

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