I woke up shaking, and it's not really cold outside. The freezing feeling was in my dreams, where I saw a father crumbling, with a runny nose,so much skinny, inconvenient. Like all the people, he was blaming me with his sad eyes for don't gave any news,crime for which I have been accused for all my life. I don't give news to anyone, don't call, although sometimes I care about them.
The freezing feeling wasn't for guilt, but for upset. I wanna disappear, in a way that people know that's on purpose, without printing my photo on a milk box. And when I come back again, much later, will be very nice if nobody talks about my absence. Being pragmatic, people want us because they need to build they own surroundings, liking or hating us. You can't see how selfish they are because there it is some kind of (fake) care or wish for your presence.
I am individual and I build my days with actions, thoughts and.... absences. If I am present is because this scene needs me or to pleasure people needs. We both are selfish. They think so much about they own that requires my presence only to pleasure theirselves. And I am the opposite. I thought so much in myself that I decline to fondle egos, being a listener of small talks, playing the part of mannequin so they can try on myself their moments.
I see them as a beggar, that crazy type of. If you deny some changes, they react like a peacock, as a fire alarm, accusing us to being evil. And if we are weak, we give for the bother, maybe for the absence of strenght to argue or just to avoid losing our time. And, being small, subtle, individual, I shut up and nod.
They win me easily when needs me. I carry a charged machine-gun of "no" and "maybe another time", but my ammo is limited, and they need me unlimited. I am dragged for the routine and I have no strenght to defend myself, so I am questioned about it, and they always critciizing me (as if my life wasn't full of criticizing).
There is a way to slow down all of this, but is not easy. You need to cut off relationships that demands you too much, you need to vanish, and when start to complain about it, maybe you need to offend them lightly to creates a wall of resentment. In other way, if you don't want to live all by yourself, you need to find people that don't care too much if you both are together all the time or don't, if you give him the news or don't, if you smile or stay with a serious expression during all night. People whom dont give a shit, in a good sense.
But I must to warn you. They are really rare people. And I tell you more, they expires with time. One day, this arrangement fade away and suddenly you are on the phone with someone bitching about everything. And you feel sad, because you dont need that person (anymore/ever). If that "casual time" is over, so all of it is over.And you scratch you beard and be serious not because you are worried or upset, but thats the end. Very subtly, below the table you unzips the iron ball on your foot. And you go away, not in that second, maybe not in the next minutes, but you are definitely going away.
It's not very sad that you have to abandon them. It's sad seeing how they transforms themselves as time goes by, demanding, like a buyer requiring the receipt. In some way, is how that person was a very nice and faithful client in your bread store, and some day he or she starts to complaining about the opening hours, the heat, the cold, the long time between the baking...just out of the blue. So it becomes impossible to please that person. And you want to say "you arent welcome in this place anymore", but you need all type of customers.
Perhaps (and I say perhaps because I'm not sure) the best way is exchange the working field. Close this bakery and open a business that you can choose the clients. Yes. If someone costs you too much, you send he away. And you wait to the next one, a very nice customer, that you treat like a brother. A best friend... Until that day when he will complains about the opening hours.... It hurts.
