Saving Grace

Trying

11/3

23:49

I tried to help my mom with her Spanish homework and she got really mad at me and yelled at me and told me that I'm unhelpful and selfish.

So, since I'm tired of being the "good child" I yelled back at her. Which isn't the first time. But it is the first time we screamed like this at each other. Here's what I said.

"Unhelpful?! Selfish?! I do everything! I cook, I clean, I do your homework, I make sure James does his homework and showers! I fucking do everything including your fucking homework and I'm 'selfish' and 'unhelpful?!'"

"You take that back! I do more stuff then you!"

"Oh?! Like what?! You go to work and accumulate more student debt than me. But you know what I do?! Everything else! I do it all! And I don't even get a thank-you or anything!"

"Bullshit!"

"No! What's bullshit is your idea of parenting! I have been running this goddamn family since I could talk!"

"Grace! You shut your mouth right now!"

"Or what? You'll scream? Kick me out? Fine! I don't care! Because the truth is, mother, that I do more than you will ever do! For God's sake, I used to have to tie my brother's shoes not long after I learned to do my own! You're supposed to be the adult! But it's me that's the adult! I never got to have a childhood because of you! Because you stayed with that piece of shit! Because you let him hit us! Because you let him treat us like shit!"

"I'm leaving now and when I get back, I don't want to see you."

After that, things went quiet. The scary quiet. The quiet that comes before something awful happens. So I got the hell out of there. I packed a bag, grabbed my phone, iPod, charger, a book, my laptop, and then I got in my car and I drove the hell away.

I didn't know where I was going until I ended up over by Rochelle's house. Now, I wish I could tell you that I knocked and that we bonded. But instead, I drove past her house. The light in her room was on and I waved even though she couldn't see me before I continued on my way.

And then, I went to the fast food place that has wifi and I sat outside and now here we are. It's almost midnight and I really should head back home. Mom will get angry if I'm not back by the time she goes to bed. But since she doesn't sleep until later than this, I have time.

I'm going to leave now. Feel free to tell me whether or not I was right to yell at her. I mean, I know you'll comment your opinions anyways...

11/4

20:19

I talked to Mr. Wesley today and I told him about the fight and he grimaced. At least he didn't tell me that I was wrong to yell at her. But he did tell me that the fight sounded bad.

I nodded my head because it was.

He then recommended that I lay low for a while. Which, of course, I'm going to do. I really wish that I could turn invisible.

There's this personality test that gives you the option between the ability to fly and the ability to turn invisible. If you choose flying, you'll most likely say that it's because you want to help people and stuff. But if you choose invisibility, you'll basically say you'll use your powers for evil.

I wish that I could say I want to fly. And sometimes, I do. But I have a car that lets me escape. So instead, I want to turn invisible. And I wouldn't use it to spy on people in the shower or rob banks or anything. No. I would use it to disappear. To do things that I'm normally too afraid to do otherwise.

If I was invisible, I bet I could be president. Because I want to do something great. But I don't want people to know that it's me. You know?

I'm babbling. I know. I was just thinking about this because the teacher who gave the speech talking about this study is my physics teacher and I should be doing physics homework right now...

11/6

9:22

My next class starts in like half an hour. It's such a stupid class. It's literally just a mandatory forty-five minute study hall. I hate it.

But I'll go because my mom and I made up and I need to go back to pretending to be the good kid even though I'm not.

Turns out that I made my mom cry during our fight. At least, so she claims. Now, I know this is wrong to say. But my mom can be manipulative. So I'm not sure if she's actually telling the truth.

But anyways, yesterday was boring. I actually ended up doing the physics homework and I was really proud of myself. I know it's not that impressive to some of you, but when you have depression, easy tasks become so hard.

Well, after physics, I had my AP World History class and it sucked. But I managed to pass the test we'd had on Thursday. Actually, I did better than just passed. I got an A. Which is pretty cool.

I'll have to take the AP test this spring and I know that I should probably be worried, but I'm not. Last year, I took this class called AP Human Geography and I hardly did any of my work. Like at all. But I still managed to get a good score on the AP test.

It's funny. The people who worked hard didn't do as well.

Maybe that's the secret to life; don't try.

Maybe things would be a lot better if we stopped trying so hard and just let things happen.

Actually, it probably would be worse. So let's not do that...

Sorry. Babbling. Again. Lately, my brain just won't turn off.