S T A Y

Y O U

im awake

you arent next to me and im glad

if you knew i was awake it would be awkward and i would have to leave without even getting out of my groggy state

i hate it when i have to leave

let me stay this time

-

i lay in your bed for about twenty minutes until i work up the courage to stand

i slip on my clothes and slide out of your bedroom silently, taking the money off of the nightstand

i told you i didnt need it

you didnt listen

-

i find you in the kitchen

youre making coffee and you quietly stare at me when you notice me

i nod

your grip tightens around your empty cup

you dont look happy

you never do

my mind screams

i can feel my thoughts tear through my skull, begging to be let out

let me stay, they say

i ignore them

i grab my phone off of the counter

you watch me closely

i can tell you dont remember me leaving it there

i do

you led me through your front door last night with your tongue and i threw my phone into the flower vase accidentally

you said it was fine through a kiss and a heavy breath

i cleaned it up after we had sex

this isnt right, my thoughts claw at my lips from the inside

they tug and tug, they want out

O U T O U T O U T

no no no, i whisper back to them

hes cheating, they accuse

C H E A T E R

i bite my lip

you notice, look away

i swallow dryly

your coffee is done and you pour yourself some before sitting down at your island

i hesitantly take a cup out of the cupboard

why is your kitchen so white?

white cups

white walls

white counters

it all looks so clean and white

why?

because the bedroom is dirty enough, the thoughts reply dryly

thats where the sins take place, they add

S I N S I N S I N

i sigh

you watch me as i turn on the tap and fill my cup

my mouth has been tainted by you enough, i dont need to darken my teeth

sick burn, my mind giggles

i feel somewhat proud of myself until they speak again

thats what youre doing with him, sick, sick things

S I C K S I C K S I C K

my frown deepens and i drink my water silently

you wont stop looking at me

im uncomfortable

you never really look at me unless we're in bed

during the day youre disgusted and im horrendous

thats why i leave

because you regret it every time

because im not supposed to be here in the morning

its supposed to be her, my thoughts laugh

H E R H E R H E R

i hold my breath, bite my tongue

you cough

the silence makes me want to yell

do it, they mutter, scream

S C R E A M

no no no, i repeat

i finish my water, and set the cup into the sink gently

the clink of the glass makes you wince

i take a deep breath and smile at you

you look away quickly and say something so expected that its cliche to my ears

"you should..."

L E T M E S T A Y

you dont

"go."

i leave wiping away tears