Not For Love

Chapter 3

"I don't get it," Jessica is now fully awake and examining the card that came with the bouquet. "Why would he send you flowers and a corny note after all that happened...plus I thought he was in jail."

"Well, his parents must have bailed him out. With all that money, they could buy this whole university," I reason out still trying to figure out why Ryan would get me flowers.

"Has he tried to contact you in any way...I mean any texts, emails, calls?" Jess asks.

"No, the flowers are the first," I lie.

I decide not to tell my best friend about the countless texts and emails Ryan sent me in the past three months, including the call I got this morning.

"Maybe he just wants to mess with me," I say grabbing the card from Jess's hand. "I'll just toss it in the bin."

And I sure do.

I haven't read any of the texts or emails he has sent me but I don't have the nerve to delete them. My phone's memory is almost full...my phone?

Oh god.

My phone.

I pull it out from my bag and switch it on.

13 missed calls.

6 texts.

I fear it's Ryan again but I am relieved to find they are all from my mother except one.

That is from Ryan.

I decide to call Mom first to let her know of my safe arrival in the campus.

I dial my mother's number and the call connects.

After a few rings, she answers.

"HANNA BROOKE WHERE THE HELL YOU HAVE BEEN ALL THIS TIME!" my mother barks at the other end.

I'm forced to pull my phone away to protect my ears from any damage.

"I'm okay mom I've been...um, a bit busy. You know how much time it takes to sign in and get the room set plus -"

"I get it okay but I'm supposed to be able to reach you, at all times. I don't want you to have the same fate as Sarah Fitz."

"Mom, let's just not go there. I'm safe and you know that. Okay I have to hang up now, I've got a lot of work to do. Love you," I hang up before she can even say 'I love you too'.

I look around, the room is peaceful. I have missed this beyond everything. My childhood was never peaceful until that day.

On the eve of my thirteenth birthday, I got the biggest gift of 'peace' in the house but at the cost of losing my father, not to death but to rehab.

I haven't seen him for the past six years, I have no idea if he is alive or dead.

I visited him almost everyday for the first year but saw no change in him. He was not at all guilty of ruining his life and along with that, ours.

At thirteen, I tried to come up with every possible way to talk sense into him, but failed terribly.

I got tired of seeing the same patients, the same curtains, the same people, the same father who did not care at all for me; but the daughter in me craved to hear him say anything positive that was directed towards me.

At last, I gave up.

Thereafter I have had no contact whatsoever with my father; neither has my mum..

Ever since he was sent to the government-run rehabilitation centre in Philadelphia, my mother has tried to keep herself occupied by maintaining a nosy character. People looked at her with scrutiny but she decided to retaliate and maintain her dignity by being a Miss Know-It-All.

She knows everybody who has come and gone by in our neighbourhood since I turned thirteen.

She knows everything and anything about anyone who she might have come across in our town.

That's how she keeps herself busy once she is done with work.

I think me leaving our house and opting to stay in the campus was a decision that was solely mine. Otherwise, my mother has always been instrumental about the clothes I wear, the people I meet, the subjects I take...but all changed before the summer break.

I was...I am no longer the person I used to be.

I look at my reflection in the mirror and I can see Jessica lying despondently in her bed but then I look again – I see a petite girl with brown hair, hazel eyes that hide a lot of secrets, full lips that have kissed only one guy and a scar across her right arm.

That is me.

fʼB