The Fear Of Falling Apart // Dan Howell

Chapter 16

You sit, looking directly at Dan as his eyes become small and the bags under his eyes become dark. You know that he is already feeling guilty just thinking about it and you are kind of anxious about what is going on in his mind right now.

"I had planned that night so perfectly" Dan sighs, putting his head in his hands, "I just wanted to be with you and that moment we kissed on the balcony was the best thing I have ever experienced. The feeling it gave me was incredible and it felt as if the rest of the world was non-existent."

You smile and grab Dan's hand, pulling it down from his face and holding onto it tightly.

"I wanted it to last forever but obviously, there was the interruption of someone needing help." He say, stroking your hand with the pad of his thumb, "I was fine with it but I guess the emotions of kissing you and getting an award made me lose my mind. I drank way too much - I could barely see what was in front of me!"

"Jeez I know exactly what you're like when you're drunk!" You chuckle, making him smirk a little.

"Then someone walked back in room." 

"Hollie?"

Dan nods and exhales heavily.

"I didn't know that at the time. I saw a girl in a red dress and I figured it was you. Intoxicated and emotional, I walked straight up to her. She seemed so desperate to kiss me and thinking it was you, I took advantage of that. The minute her lips touched mine, I knew something wasn't right. I couldn't control the situation - my entire body just let her push me onto the bed and I couldn't stop her. I kept opening my eyes and despite the dizzy spells I had, I knew it wasn't you in front of me. Before I could try to do anything, you walked in." Dan tells you, not being able to look in your eyes anymore, "I knew that I had screwed up and I immediately pushed Hollie off of me. I tried to say what I wanted to say but it wouldn't come out. Then you ran from me."

You feel yourself well up and you slowly let go of Dan's hand.

"I staggered out of the hotel room as quick as I could but the damage was done. Well, until my stupid mouth opened!" Dan says angrily, hitting his leg, "I meant none of those bloody words! I was shocked that I could even say anything like that to anyone! You threw the promise ring and that told me just how much of a jerk I was. I hadn't kept my promises. I had hurt you."

Dan and you sigh simultaneously. You knew that there was an explanation for it all. Dan didn't mean those words after all. Now, you regret letting him go for sure!

"You ran down the stairs and I knew I had lost you. I wanted it to be some nightmare and I hit my head against the wall so many times but it just made the pain worse so I knew that what had just happened was real. Hollie attempted to seduce me but I just walked away and ran to find some water. It risked a serious headache but I drank enough water to sober me up. I found Louise and she said that you and Phil left a while ago. I had no way of getting back to the hotel so with a thudding head and a hurting heart, I walked back to the hotel."

"Why?" You choke out.

Dan turns to face you.

"I knew I had hurt you and even though I knew I had screwed things up, I  needed to see you again. I wanted to tell you how much I loved you in the hope that I could win you back. But I only found Phil at the hotel as you had already left. I got on the next flight to Scotland as soon as I could." Dan responds.

"When you arrived, I told you to go." You say, "Where did you go?"

"Home. I got on the train and travelled to London. I hated walking into our apartment without you by my side. I spent a few days alone, just staring at the ceiling and hating myself." He says, nearly in tears, "Phil and Louise came back too and they tried to cheer me up but I spent a few months with depression. It was tough. I just wanted you. But I knew you were gone forever."

"Well I'm here now" You smile, nuzzling into his side.

Dan looks down at you with surprise and wraps his arms around you.

"Don't you hate me?"

"No" You laugh, "Why would I? I'm too in love with you to stay away from you!"

Dan smiles and places his forehead against yours.

"You are so amazing - I hope you know that! Living without you was so tough and I promise, I'll make it up to you!" He says excitedly.

You spend a few moments just looking into each others eyes, processing everything that has been said and enjoying each others company whilst you can.

"I love you Dan" You whisper against his neck.

"I love you too (y/n)" Dan whispers back, planting a small peck on your forehead.

Grinning and blushing, you look up at his face and watch him look lovingly down at you. You lower your head again, your lips brushing slightly against the warm skin of his neck, making his breath hitch from the minimal contact.

Smirking at his slight pleasure, you look up again to see him blushing. You give a little giggle and he finally looks down at you, his dimples spreading across his cheeks. Then he looks deeply into your eyes, making your smile drop and your body become weak. What is going on? You have never felt these feelings before but all of a sudden, you feel your lips collide with Dan's as you fall onto the silky white sheets of your double bed. Dan's lips suddenly move from your lips down to your neck, placing open mouth kisses down it and taking in your perfumed scent. You let out a breathily sigh as his lips brush against your neck as he hums away to himself.

You now know exactly what's happening and honestly, you're enjoying it!

Your dress is slid off and you unbutton Dan's shirt, tossing it to the other side of the room, allowing your hands to move to his back and lightly trace patterns on his warm skin. His hot, pink flush makes its way to your cheeks, his magnificent piano-playing fingers lazily trailing down from your chest to your stomach. Desperate for more, you tug on his jeans and pull him closer, your lips meeting again.

You know what is ahead of this and your heartbeat quickens at the thought. His hips thrusting as he nudges you with the most delicate pressure imaginable, he moves in for the kill. You have given in and his hands begin exploring every inch of your body, making you feel a hot sweat. The pleasure induced haze takes over as he begins placing sloppy kisses wherever a muffled moan can be found. You then feel a small trail of kisses travel down your stomach as your breathing hitches.

"I love you so much" Dan says huskily, his voice laced with lust.

The movement of his hips stop you from replying and your eyes just stay transfixed on the slow movements of his lips and hands. Your stomach flips at one strong moment of friction, making your nails dig into his back and Dan let out a strangled moan. He then returns to your lips, smiling away as your lips move in sync and your hands travel up his chest.

This was perfect. You were losing your virginity to Dan and it was everything you had ever imagined it would be. Afterwards, you lay in Dan's arms, on the bed, gasping for air. After a few more kisses and cuddles, Dan says that he has to go. You let him and as soon as he does you don't know how to feel. You lay on your bed thinking about what had happened. It's only then that you remember Luke. Oddly, you only feel slightly guilty. You love Dan and that's all you want to think about right now.

In fact, you can't wait to see him again.

A/N Aaaaah sorry I'm not very good at those type of scenes but I saw that a lot of you were waiting for it to happen so there you go! What do you think will happen now? Will Luke find out? Will you and Dan continue the relationship you have started? Find out very soon and don't forget to vote and comment if you would like to! Thank you ~ Katie :)