Devil You Know

SECOND TIME AROUND

Malice

"SHE DIDN'T accept the offer," I tell Tigger, phone jammed to my shoulder.

"Don't give up—try again."

"She didn't look like she was even interested," I whine, sounding like a child. "I thought she would have jumped at the chance."

"Dude, it's a huge step. It's a no-brainer for you, but it's a life or death decision for her. You have to be patient and try again in a few days."

"You have any idea how hard it was to jack this meeting up?"

"Then don't meet up again. Just ask her at the letterbox, ask her when you talk to her at the fence."

My chest tightens just saying it. "What if I get her in trouble? What if he takes it out on her because he saw us talking? Fuck, I don't even know if he's aware I live next door."

"Thing you have to understand about guys like her old man," Tigger says with a sigh, "is they don't need an excuse. He might hit on her just for fuckin' tying her hair up instead of leaving it out. You can't take that on yourself. The risk is there all the time, not just because you're tryin' to help."

I flop into the armchair, and pat Rocco's head. "What if this is a sign that it's not meant to be me who helps, you know? I mean, what do I have to offer? You know what we do. She doesn't need that."

"She needs support, and you're givin' it, dickhead."

"She needs stability, not our fucked up lives." I want her in my life; the more I see those damn sad eyes the more I want to make them sparkle. But at what cost? What will I do to her in my rush to have her for myself?

"Pull your head out of your ass and let her decide about who you really are." Tigger pauses for a beat, the silence in the room amplifying his break in conversation. "You might be her last connection to the outside world—don't discount that."

"How you doin'?" I ask, scrubbing a hand over my face. "You sorted out that stuff that was bothering you? Made your big decision? Don't tell me you're converting to the faith and joining a monastery."

Tigger laughs, long and loud. "Fuck man, they'd have to hold a marathon session in the confessional to hear me tell them everything." The humor disappears from his voice. "I think I've got it under control though, thanks."

"I really wish you'd talk to us about it. If not me, then Ty, Bronx, any one of us."

"You assholes have enough issues of your own to worry about. I'll be fine. Nothing a good sesh can't help me with."

"Fucking stoner."

"Fucking Nana."

I end the call, laughing. Times like this I'm grateful for the few close friends I have. They'd be there for me no matter what, and that knowledge alone is enough to help me stick out even the toughest of days.

As my gaze drifts to the window, to Jane's house, I realize how true what Tigger said really is. What if she doesn't have that connection to a close friend? What if I am her only hope?

And what if I really did fuck it all up for her today?

Gut churning, I look away and switch on the TV, turning it up loud enough that I won't be able to hear the cries of the only person I'd give it all up for.