Is It Too Early To Say "I Love You"?

second.

sam

By the time I'd figured out I was lesbian, I had already dated five boys. I look back on it now, and I think I did it just because society told me I had to date by the time I turned 18. But I knew that I never felt anything for them. For a long time, I thought I was asexual.

Then I met Candy. She changed everything for me.

I'd been friends with Candy since kindergarten. She had pale, long blonde hair and even paler skin. She was super tall, much taller than I was, and was the nerdiest girl I'd ever met. Candy often wore Marvel shirts and skinny jeans. For three years, she wore the same pair of blue, low-top converse, which she drew on when she became bored.

We both played trombone in the school band. My 1st period, the one before band, was my art class. Whenever we would finish a drawing, I would bring the project in my band folder and Candy and I would cover it with various drawings. And if I didn't have any paper to bring, I would steal paper from my art teacher and draw on that instead. The "artworks" varied from horrible drawings of cupcakes, my anime characters and, when we hit our emo phases, quotes from Gerard Way and Pete Wentz.

In fact, those pieces of paper were the way she came out to me. While Mr. Gustus, our middle school band teacher, was talking about honor band (which we knew neither of us would make even if we tried) she began to draw. I tried to look over her shoulder to see what it was, but she cast an annoyed glanced that made me shoot my eyes back up at the teacher. 

When I stopped hearing the pencil scratching against the paper, I stole a glance back over at Candy. She moved the stand over so I could see what it was.

In huge bubble letters, she had drawn on the back of one of our pieces: "I'M GAY AF" and drew two little girl stick figures holding hands. I gaped at her before Gustus let us go, and she turned away, quickly locked up her instrument and rushed out of the room, not waiting for me like she usually did.

I walked to class alone, wondering why she was so embarrassed. Was I that unapproachable? Did she not trust me to accept her? Did I seem homophobic?

I barely paid attention to Mrs. Severson in literacy. I was too busy biting my lip and worrying over Candy. I wouldn't see her for the rest of the day. We don't even have lunch together. Would she spend the rest of the day thinking I hated her for liking a girl?

The rest of the day seemed to drag on. I to smile my way through the day, keeping my eyes open for Candy in the halls. I didn't see her for the rest of the day, and I was anxious to get home.

The last bell was the hardest. It was our 8th class of the day, and for me it was math. Ms. P, (to this day I don't know how to correctly pronounce her name, as I was too awkward to ask) called on me multiple times, and though I don't remember what I said to each one, but I said it in such a way that Ms. P pulled me off to the side after class.

Waiting beside the doorway, I curled my toes inside of my shoes and clenched and unclenched my fists. I needed to get home so I could message Candy and tell her everything was okay.

"Samantha," Ms. P said slowly, walking towards me. She stopped and sat down in a chair, gesturing to the one next to her.

I went and sat down, staring at my folded hands. "You seemed kinda out of it today. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah," I responded quickly. We sat in awkward silence for a while.

"And you'd tell me if you weren't okay, right?"

Yes, I'd tell my math teacher everything that's going on in my life. "Yes."

We sat in another two minutes of silence before she said, "Well I guess you gotta catch the bus. Goodbye, Sam."

I quickly stood up and grabbed my books off my desk. I quickly rushed to my locker, and, after double checking my computer was in my backpack, I slung it over my shoulder and made my way home.

- - -

ME: hey you there
[seen by CANDY GOLDFINCH at 2:43 pm]
ME: i want to tlk about band
ME: i dont hate you
ME: im fine with you being gay
[seen by CANDY GOLDFINCH at 2:45 pm]
ME: im sorry if i came off as rude
ME: i was just a little shocked
[CANDY GOLDFINCH is typing...]
[CANDY GOLDFINCH is deleing...]
[CANDY GOLDFINCH has left the hangout]

I sat, bewildered, looking at my computer. My social studies paper was open on another tab, but I ignored it. I quickly added Candy back into the hangout.

[SAMANTHA ROBIN added CANDY GOLDFINCH to the hangout]
ME: candy
ME: we need to talk about this
ME: I would never hate you for something like this
CANDY: ok

I felt a flood of relief wash over me.

ME: do you want to talk about it?
CANDY: whay is there to talk about?
CANDY: i like girls
CANDY: is it really that hard for you to swallow?

I sighed and was tempted to leave the messaging. But I knew she was speaking out of anger. Obviously, she knew more about the gay community than I did.

ME: no
ME: it really isnt
ME: i guess i just dont know a lot about it
[CANDY GOLDFINCH is typing...]

I opened up another messaging tab. I hoped that Jake could help me with this; his brother came out as a trans a while ago and switched his pronouns just last year. He probably knew how to treat someone just getting used to opening up about their sexuality. More than I did, probably.

ME: hey
JAKE: hello
ME: can we talk for a minute
JAKE: um
JAKE: sure
ME: it's p serious
ME: okay
ME: one of my friends came out as gay and idk how to react
ME: obviously i offended them by acting shcoked but idk how to apoligize without seeming like a jerk
JAKE: did they say specifically what they identified as?
ME: no
ME: they just said 'gay'
JAKE: then they probably arent sure themselves what they are
ME: what do you mean?
ME: im sorry im stupid idk anything about this
JAKE: thats okay
JAKE: i didnt know anything abut it until last year
JAKE: about*
JAKE: anyway, there are different types of 'gay', or homosexuality
ME: ok
JAKE: fo you know what lgbtqia+ means?
ME: no
JAKE: do*
ME: sorry
JAKE: no it's okay
JAKE: its an\ acronym and I'll tell you what they each mean:
L: lesbian. when a girl likes a girl and not guys or any other gender
G: gay. when a guy likes a guy and no other gender. usually used as a blanket term for homosexuality
B: bisexual. when someone likes both guys and girls
T: transgender. what my brother is. when someone doesnt feel like they are the gender they were born with
Q: queer. im not sure what this means, im pretty sure its an umbrella term that goes over every non-heterosexual identity
I: intersex... im not really sure what this means but i respect it anyway
A: asexual. when someone doesnt feel sexually attracted to anyone
+: this covers any other identity. it also covers the romantics, which makes things even more confusing.  for example, a biromantic, different from a bisexual, feels romantically attracted to both genders, but not sexually attracted to them. aromantics do not feel romantically attracted to anyone, but they can have sexual feelings toward someone.

I leaned back, absorbing all the information. It was a lot to take in.

JAKE: did that make any sense?
ME: yeah
ME: just a little confusing
ME: anyway, how am i supposed to react to someone coming out to me?
JAKE: i would just be really accepting, but not treat them any differently.
ME: okay

Heart racing, I switched back over to Candy's messaging tab.

ME: do you want to talk about what happened in band?
CANDY: not really
CANDY: im sorry i snapped at you
ME: nah its fine
ME: i understand that this is probably confusing to you
CANDY: it is tbh
CANDY: anyway, did you see dnp new video
ME: n o o o o
ME: what was it about?
CANDY: it was a new undertale one
CANDY: I'll send you the ink
CANDY: link*
CANDY: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ
ME: watching rn

- - -

That was eighth grade. Candy was dead by her junior year.