The Book of Happiness and Positivity

Sorry

God, I feel like an idiot

I guess this book is supposed to be happy, but I guess I haven't been that happy lately.

I've been neglecting Internet and real life friends for this stupid little dream of mine, and I always seem to think that I can pull it off, but I end up in the crowd again.

So I suppose you got excited I updated for nothing, just to hear my depressing story. Stay if you're up to it, but leave if you don't feel like slugging through my problems.

For now, since this book is to be happy, this one chapter will be everything that's been happening in my life, and then I'll go back to hiding my upset state and darkness inside an Internet Wattpad user's costume. Kind of pathetic, the place where I'm more powerful and happy is the virtual world.

-I've been living with the guilt of leaving some friends behind, for ignoring their texts and calls to rewatch Dan and Phil episodes for the umpteenth time. I ignore their tweets and posts to refresh vigorously on Patrick Stump's page. I've been neglecting my friend's parties to save up money for Panic! At the Disco and Twenty One Pilots tickets, though likely I'll never get to see them live. Some of my friends have been mad at me, and I just ignore it and go back in the shadow of greater and older people that I look up to a bit too much. I suppose I have an obsession, and I realize that every time I can relate to a stranger on the internet better than my own friends and family.

-My love life. I bluff and hide away all emotions just for the sake of my embarrassment and fear. My friend has had a crush on someone since 4th grade, and now in 7th grade, he's in my class. He's actually been in my class for all the years, sat next to me all the time. I always joke that I hate him, the way young girls do to young boys, but I really don't. I tell my friend stories about him, and blush every time she calls him her "senpai" or "waifu" or "Bae". I seem to snap every so often and feel like he's mine rather than hers. I guess it's because he notices me more than her, but as far as I know, he knows me as just a friend. Recently, I heard a rumor he got up in the endless swirling hurricane of who likes who, finding he "likes" some bimbo girl. I'm not a judge-y person, but something about the girl isn't very polite or nice. I never told my friend: it might break her heart more than it broke mine. She was upset one day; I wonder if she found out? I've always wondered if this was just my brain saying "alright, all your friends like someone, now you have to". Because literally almost all of my friends like someone, and my mom was even saying someone about her having her first crush at my age. Maybe it's all the pressure of trying to fit in just getting to me and just coming up with the first boy that comes to mind just to get the people off me. Although if I ever told them, well, I've never really thought of their reactions. I've thought of my friend's reaction a lot: the boy she obsessed over, her best friend liking. I've always wondered if she would hate me for liking him. No boy is worth that guilt and pain. I hope I can just pull through this.

-My self esteem. I used to have a good self esteem, until I looked in the physical mirror and stepped out of my façade of thinking I was beautiful. 6th and 7th grade have kind of kicked my in the gut with emotions. I've died strands in my hair, and I feel the urge to rebel and not wear makeup, but my self esteem kind of pushes me too in the end. When I listen to Fall Out Boy or My Chemical Romance, I always think "what are the normal kids doing?" Being skinny and pretty. Because I feel fat and kind of ugly.
I used to think it was just baby fat, but would baby fat last 12 or 13 years? I walk on the treadmill every night and walk my dog about 3 days a week, but it never does anything. I still feel fat as ever. I don't have the heart to stop eating and starve myself, and I also don't have the heart to even stay portion control. I was watching videos of Patrick Stump and his weight loss, and he gave portion control as his "secret" and I try it, but then once I eat half the food my mom gives me I just feel so hungry and the half eaten food just stares at me. It's not like I overeat, it's just that nothing works. I wonder, when will I get skinnier? Will I ever? Will anyone accept my fat state? I tell my parents about this sometimes, but they just deny it and say "You're not fat. And what you're doing is great. Some extra pounds will come off eventually."
Well, it's been eventually, what do I do? Maybe the Internet will accept me.

Sorry for dragging you in my problems, if you even read this. I guess I haven't been very happy lately and I can't really update the happy book if I'm not happy. No façade of happiness can replace pure joy that I want to spread to Wattpad users. Anyways, thanks for being here. Even if you didn't read this, you still are reading this, and you gave me a view, and I appreciate every one of them.

~goodbye 🙂