The title of this short story was supposed to be The Sick Story about a Nerd that Jizzes in his Pants Whenever his Mother Speaks to him, but it was too long to submit. So, basically, the title of this story is pretty self explanatory now, eh? ;)
Veteran + Beauty = Messed up, Immature, Sick, Incestial Nerd... Connection..??
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<I will BRB> One nerd said to the other. Nerd#2 was sitting behind a huge computer almost half as thick as he was tall. He was quite chubby, was Nerd#2, and above a thick nose was a pair of thin-framed glasses; the lenses making them appear deformed and heavy as the bridge made a small incision on his nose. He had both thick hands resting under his moon-sized butt, jumping up and down like an excited three-year-old. Over rolls of fat that smelled as if they hadn’t been washed in at least six months was a vest so stained that it wasn’t even close to white anymore. The vest was tucked tightly into his pants by a belt as shiny as the vest was dull. His pants were stripy and ended to his knees, revealing a pair of legs so hairless that he could have been an obese baby. Resting between two crooked teeth was a toothpick that seldom left his mouth. Some people said that his teeth grew part that way because of the never-leaving toothpick. On his head was a cap that shadowed his face until all that was left to see was the triple chin, and the flaming red hair that rose in curls on either side of the cap. When the video on YouTube finished, Nerd#2 jumped up almost as if he got zapped by the end of a taser. The sound of a door opening alerted Nerd#1 to be back, and the tall, lean nerd opened his mouth and let loose a <IIII’MMM BAAACCCCKKKK!!!!> . A grin was spread from cheek to cheek, and he tiptoed across the gap like the ballet dancer he got his awards from. He lifted his arms and beamed at his friend with such happiness he could have been staring at a newborn son. He twirled once with his arms bent over his head, and slowly Nerd#2 turned his head and watched his childhood friend jump up and down like the fool he was. When Nerd#1 was finished with his dance, Nerd#2 slowly turned his head and clicked on the next video on the screen. Nerd #1 was so thin he could be anorexic, except that he had high metabolism and ate like a pig. He twirled around one more time, then brought up a chair next to Nerd#2 and fell into it with the grace of a swan. Nerd#1 was so hairy that at a distance he could have looked black, but his face was as clean as a newborn baby’s backside. He wore a pair of white briefs so clean that it looked just fresh out of the wash. He wore a pink t-shirt with a big red heart on it, the words I’M WITH STUPID written in a lighter shade of pink. <C’mon!!!> Nerd#2 screamed, and he yanked off his hat, and threw it across the room. It hit the ceiling, and landed back onto his head. He screamed, tears rolling down eyes as blue as a cloudless morning. He grabbed the hat, and started biting it in anger. <Ohhh [Nerd#2]! Don’t be angry. The buffer is almost full! Look it’s working now.> Nerd#1 said, concern in his dark brown eyes.
<I Don’t Care!!!!> he said. <I Want. It.To. Be. Faaaaassssst.> the last word was extended with shrieks as he jumped up and down and threw a tantrum. The toothpick fell from his mouth and landed on the carpet with a thud that was lost to both Nerd’s ears. <[Nerd #2], crying isn’t going to change anything. If a war started in Turkmenistan, will crying fend off the Turkish men’s armies? If Syria and Libya joined hands and killed every citizen in their country because they started going to stripper clubs, will crying settle it? You have to learn to think with your brain, not with your brain.>
Nerd#2 stopped for a second, hiccupping as the sobs shook throughout his body. <Aren’t they the same thing?>
<Atta boy!!!!> Nerd#1 said, clapping his hands together and beaming at Nerd#2. Nerd#2 giggled and started jumping up and down. He started spinning around in the process.
<That’s enough, Nerdstan.> came a deep voice from across the open bedroom door. Nerd#1 screamed, and jumped out of his chair. <HELP!> he shouted, before he looked up through the tears and realised who had walked in. The ex-army veteran wore naught but a simple t-shirt and jeans, and he frowned deeply as he stared as his fat sixteen-year-old son, as he jumped around and squealed in excitement. <NERDSTAN!> he roared, and the fat kid stopped. He turned slowly, and when he saw his dad, he screamed and went on his knees. <I’m sorry daddy! Please don’t shout at me. Please!> tears rolled down his face, and he started to sob with a harder rhythm.
<Nerdthestarwarsgeek, please get out. I want to have a word with my son.>
Nerd#1 bowed quietly, in respect, and tiptoed across, and out the room.
<NOOOO!!!!> Nerd#2 screamed. <Don’t leave me, please! Pleaaaaasssssseeee!!!> the tears rolled down his face in splashes, and his face became red.
<Nerdstan. What did I tell you about willy-sucking!> the ex-war veteran asked solemnly. <I told you, you, always aim towards vajayjays, not the other sort!>
<I swear Dad, I’m trying! But every time I go even twenty meters close to a girl, I jizz in my pants, and pee myself the same time!! I can’t do it daddy, I’m not like you!>
<What’s all this noise?> his mother walked in, her auburn her flowing gracefully over a crimson nightdress. There was an odd squelching noise, and a spot of darkness on Nerd#2’s pants expanded until he was covered in a puddle of his own piss.
<Oh no!> he moaned.
<Nerdstan, you come here this instant! You are an embarrassment to this family and a disgrace to the human race!> Nerd#2’s mother said sternly.
<I-uh-uh-uh I-uh….. i-uh…> he threw up, onto his hand, at the exact same time he let loose a fart. On the floor, Nerd#2 burst into tears again, blowing his nose into his hand.
Nerd#1 danced in, the briefs showing his whole legs that looked as if spiders could walk through unnoticed – tarantulas, even.
He curtsied to Nerd#2’s parents, then flew through the open window and screamed as he fell to his death. Suddenly the sky turned red, and the moon broke into half.
The floor underneath split into two, and both his parents fell to hell screaming and thrashing.
The ground shook under him, and a small piece of plaster from the wall fell, and the pain lasted for a split second, before everything went black.
Nerd#2 dreamt he was flying over the world naked, not a care in the world. He screamed with exhilaration and jizzed and pissed his pants whenever he came close to a female but he screamed in exhilaration nonetheless.
He woke with a start. He was on a road, and big cracks spread across the earth. All the buildings were a ruin, and there were bodies strewn everywhere. Here and there, he saw the blank, lifeless faces of those he had lived his life with. John Smith, the guy that worked in the supermarket; John Smith, the shopkeeper of the dollar shop; John Smith, the butcher; John Smith, the baker; Michael Brian Douglas Patrick O’Conor, the lawyer; John Smith, his English teacher; Sarah Bennet, his English tutor; John Smith Jr., his other English tutor…
Next to the body of the local sheriff was his badge, and in his hand was his stick, and pistol. Warily, Nerd#2 picked up the pistol, and examined it. That’s one sweet son of a bitch, he thought. Suddenly, a twig cracked behind him, and he spun around, gun in his hand. I really wish I had sunglasses like those kids in spy-kids. Then I’d be cool.
Walking towards him was a woman, a teenager, his age. She had waist length blonde hair, and eyes as green as the trees. Oh, and she was naked. Slowly, he lowered the gun and walked towards her, eyes fixed on those two bumps of fat that guys liked to talk about. Surprisingly, his bladder didn’t give way.
When he reached her, they embraced, and he felt good as the two pinpricks brushed against his chest. She lowered her arms and stared at him in the eyes, getting closer, closer, her mouth ready for the kiss that was sure to come. Excited, he got closer, closer, and…
BAM! Her blood sprayed across his face and her body collapsed as she fell to the floor.
He blew the steam from the butt of his gun. <My father always told me to aim for the vajayjays.>
