The Innermost Sins

Chapter 3

Enjoy loves!

Mikasa liked to think of herself as patient. She'd been around Eren for nearing six years by now, and being in such close proximity to such a stubborn, impulsive person does make one quite the tolerant individual. Whether it be supporting him or discouraging him from his hapless, unrepressed sense of justice, she'd dealt with her fair share of his obstinance and, as such, had gained a somewhat forbearing trait as a consequence.

So why now- after mere hours of last seeing Eren- was she so anxious? If her patience was something she was supposed to rely upon as a virtue, why was it failing her now?

From the moment Eren had struggled clumsily out of their bed early that morning and she'd watched him awkwardly dress, she had felt as if she'd done something wrong. She felt as if she'd breached some sort of unspoken social construct between the two of them. Then again, she supposed they had.

Things certainly weren't going to return to normal after this. Amorous advances weren't exactly committed and then forgotten about just as easily. It was naive to think as such, and as inexperienced, young, and overwhelmed by the whole thing as she were, Mikasa was well aware there would be repercussions; socially...perhaps physically, and most certainly emotionally between them. And, there would be most serious results if the higher ups found out about what they'd done. But for now, where they were concerned, wasn't important.

What was important...was her and Eren.

She'd watched quietly as he pulled his night shirt and pants back on and crossed the room to the door with the intention of leaving, before he'd stopped- pausing, with one hand resting on the wooden frame- before he turned back to face her and smiled. Nothing more. And he left. Back down the corridor, back into his own room, to which the door resounded softly throughout the solitary bunkhouse as it was shut.

And then the questions came.

Did I do it wrong? Did I do it OK? Did I force it? It was consensual, right? Is he OK? Am I OK? What the hell was it all about?

The insecurities and uncertainties dripping with diffidence came thick and fast and she didn't know quite how to deal with the onslaught of feelings all at once. She was happy, in a sense, that it was Eren who took her, and she was happy he had harboured and revealed mutual feelings for her in the form of ultimate devotion with remarkably little convincing or foreplay.

Yet when she got up and began to dress herself, the sight of several few small drops of blood staining the sheets, a thought vaguely crossed her mind, announcing that something was missing, stolen away in the night never to return. And she wasn't quite sure how to feel about it- somewhat incomplete, and..repentant for rushing the whole expression of feelings. She spent the whole day walking around feeling like she was burdened with a filthy secret painted across her forehead.

She needed to talk to Eren.

They were both new to this whole thing, as inexperienced and vulnerable as a couple of kids. She had to know whether they were on the same page. Mikasa had to know what it had meant to him...and whether it had meant the same thing to her. Did he acknowledge it as symbolising the step forward in their relationship Mikasa had so desperately desired for so long now? Or was it, like for so many guys, something to be regarded as casual; a primal, necessary affair and shouldn't affect their status as friends. Her heart practically ached at the thought.

Her feelings for Eren were hardly a secret amidst the 104th. It was apparent to anyone who's gaze crossed them for even a split second. Mikasa-and-Eren, two as one, never apart, practically part of the same faction. You didn't have to watch them for long to realise what was going through Mikasa's head every time her eyes met his. Every cadet they had trained with seemed to know of Mikasa's unrequited feelings. Everyone, that is, except for Eren. Whether he misinterpreted her infatuation as a mother's smothering or was simply averse to her affection, she didn't know, but she hoped-prayed- last night was proof, proof he really did see her as more than just a close friend.