Oh Captain, My Captain

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This is another project i did for writing... Enjoy.

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Dec 20, 1938

I had to rescue Steve again today.. The little punk doesn't understand that he isn't indestructible. His opponent today was some guy almost three times his size! He gave his "famous line" this time though. "I had him on the ropes, Buck. I really did." His stubbornness was admirable. I could never admit that to him. Can't be letting his head get too big for his body now can we? But I guess it goes without saying he is the most humble guy I've ever met.

I also got my orders today. I already explained this.. But my father decided to enlist me into the army. I didn't want to go. I can't leave Stevie... He's my world. Or rather, he's what holds my world together. His big blue eyes full of innocence and happiness, I can't risk losing that. Even if it is for this God-forsaken country. Don't get me wrong. I love it here. But I don't see the point in putting a barely twenty-one year old be in the army.. My father doesn't know the real reason I don't want to go. God, no. If he found out it was because of my feelings for Steve, he wouldn't only hurt me, but also possibly Steve. And I can't let that happen. He thinks it's just because I'm a lazy slob.

I'm taking Steve dancing to celebrate my last night home. Of course, it's with some dames. But.. I just wanna see Steve smile again. He doesn't smile like he did when he was younger... He also thinks that I enlisted myself.. He can't know I was forced into this. But I'll go through with it. I need to make my little righteous buddy proud.

Aug 14, 1942

What the hell happened to Steve while I was gone? Not even a year ago, he was some scrawny, asthmatic kid with a weak immune system and a bad temper.. Now he's... he's built. He looks amazing. His new figure isn't helping my little problem. Luckily, I don't have to worry about my dad anymore. He may or may not have disowned me after the few months I was held captive. I'm not complaining though. He is ,insolent, incompetent, inconsiderate, , and judgemental. Now the only thing standing in my way of asking Steve to be mine is... Well, I fear of rejection. I've never dealt with it before. It isn't fun. Also, he has this new girl,Peggy Carter. Don't get me wrong, she's gorgeous and truly a nice person.. it's.. It's just. He was my Stevie. And now I have to share him. I hate it. AND he's Captain America. He has dames falling every which way. But he doesn't even throw them a glance. Even when one is obviously trying hard to get his attention. It's either on me... Or on Peggy. She seems like she couldn't careless who's attention Steve has. She seems like she is more interested in her work more than anything.

BUt he hasn't changed one bit.. Well mentality wise he hasn't. He is still respectful and caring. And possibly the most patriotic man you will ever know. I've been told, while I was in Germany, My Stevie was dancing around and pretending to punch Hitler. If only he could punch that weird Dr. Zola.. He messed with my mind. BUt I held on. I kept repeating my service number, Steve's my name like clock work. "32557038. Steven Grant Rogers. James Buchanan Barnes. 322557038. Steven Grant Rogers. James BUchanan Barnes". It's what kept me going.

We get to go home tonight. I'm going back to Steve's. Just like old times.

AUg 20, 1942

The inner monologue of Bucky Barnes continues. Being with Steve these past few days, has been heavenly. He welcomed me back home with open arms, Just like I had hoped. I got the full story of what happened that night after I left. This German doctor mentally sized him up, put him into a program for "special" people. After he passed all of their tests, he was chosen to get this serum injected into his body. Which healed every sickness in him, even his asthma. He has been worrying about me non-stop this past week. Earlier he was talking to me, and even though I had to literally look up at him, he seemed to still look at me like I was his hero.

He seems to spend a lot of time with the General. Making plans to storm the Hydra bases in Europe. None of what has happened has changed how I feel about him. I think I'm falling in love with my best friend. And that is a terrifying thought. Because if he doesn't feel the same way, it could ruin our friendship. Or if he is with Peggy... Then I would ruin their relationship. Or if he does feel the same, and we "date" and break up, talk about awkward.. Not to mention It's illegal!! Seriously. It is illegal to be gay. Or anything other than straight for that matter. Penalty being arrested, discharged from military service, Me and Steve could be evicted from our home, someone could blame us for something illegal and it was be passed as guilty without trial. We could be denied medical care, which even though Stevie doesn't need it anymore, I still do. When we are retired from the army, would could be denied our G.I. Bill, you see my problem here?.And he's Captain America for Christ's sake, "America's Golden Boy And His Best Friend: The Real Scandal On What Goes On Behind Closed Doors". Yeah, great headline. No one would ever take us seriously.

But as long as steve is happy, I'm happy. I could never see him upset. Especially if it's because of me.

Sep 13, 2016

Over seventy years since I last wrote in this old thing... I'm surprised it's still together. Hydra brainwashed me to become their pet assassin, which was a total disaster, I almost killed Steve! I killed kennedy, almost Nick Fury, almost Natalie, or Natasha, whatever she's calling herself these days, Howard and Maria Stark (I regret that one the most), and so many others.

But that's behind me. I still have relapses, obviously. I'm slowly getting better though. Tony tried to have me killed because of my actions two years ago. Luckily, I have Steve to back me up.

Nat and me have conversations in russian a lot. It pisses Steve off to no end. Most of what we say are harmless, random things. But then we have the serious talks, that's when I'm greatful Steve can't understand us. We talk about our most difficult kills. Or our nightmares.

So much has changed in the past seven decades. I hate the apple products. I had an arguement with Tony about his father's promise about having flying cars. (Steve also backed me on that, Stark doesn't like it when the "grandpas" gang up on him).

But one thing did not change, my feelings for Steve. I think I'm going to tell him one of the days this week. Possibly one that doesn't end in "y"? I've learned, thanks to one of our conversations, from Natasha that same sex relationships are less looked down upon. But there are still those annoying people that are completely against it. I'd still feel bad if Steve started getting made fun of again because of me... I just wish we could be together...

One of these days Barnes. One of these days.

Sep. 28, 2016

I told Steve.I almost didn't say anything! But I ended up telling him during lunch last week, thanks to a threat from Nat, which was very very VERY explicit... I sometimes really hate her.

But this time her constant need to be a matchmaker paid off. After I had told him, i ran off. I'm guess, by how quickly he caught up with me, he had ran right after me. He stopped me and told me he felt the same way. On the outside I gave him a huge smile. But on the inside I was screaming and jumping.

He is the greatest boyfriend. He cooks, cleans, and takes care of me. But not just that, no, he calms me down after an episode, hugs me and comforts me if i remember something terrible.

Even though we aren't officially out, I have a feeling people are suspicious. Luckily no one has said anything yet though. I'm perfectly fine with no one knowing about us. It's nice to have privacy. I just hope that when we do come out, no one gets in trouble.

All this trouble, and he's felt the same this entire time. What a waste.

Bucky closes his journal with a smile and cuddles up closer to his boyfriend awaiting the dreams to come.

FIN

You've reached the end of published parts.

⏰ Last updated: Apr 14, 2016 ⏰

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