Within My Bedroom Walls

Far Away From Here

June 20, 2013 7:47 AM 

Would you believe me if I told you I was in the hospital right now? Well, you better believe it. I haven't been... sane the last few days. You can probably guess why too.

The first day was quite... quiet. I thought Connor would come back for me. I thought he was busy with something. But he didn't come back. It was the third day of Connor's disappearance that I had broken everything in my room, and that included me. I was broken. My heart was broken. He lied to me. 

That bastard lied to me.

Why discuss the future with someone if that person won't be there? Why make me feel like there's another day with you when there isn't, Connor? Are you reading this now? Are you happy? Why did you lie, Connor? You could've just told me you were going to leave.

My parents brought me my laptop today, so I could feel more at home. They thought I was going crazy again. And in a way, I am. I think I really am going crazy. Who wouldn't, right? Maybe Connor was just a dream--a dream that felt too real.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go outside for a moment. I don't want to write about me crying.

8:31 AM 

You know, I wouldn't be surprised if people go insane in a hospital. It's fucking boring in this hellhole. There's nothing to do but watch the plain TV and eat their crappy food. There's nothing to do but wait for your results. There's nothing to do but sleep because they drugged you.

There's nothing to do but nothing.

I don't know what to do but write to you all. And for once, there's nothing to write about. Nothing is going on in my life anymore. There's no Connor. I guess my adventure ends here, right? There's nothing to live for anymore. I can't answer my own questions. Nobody else can either. What's the point of living now?

Oh yeah, nothing.

Maybe I'm over-thinking this. Maybe Connor has this surprise for me and it takes a while. Maybe... maybe he's reading this right now. Maybe he didn't leave me; he just doesn't want to show himself.

Maybe I am going insane.

It's been a week after all. It's been a week since he left me die to dust. I'm not mad that he left. Well, I'm not that mad. I'm mad because he lied. He had this whole thing planned out for us. We were going to walk in the park, hand-in-hand, talking about the wonderful mysterious world together. It would've felt endless. It would've been the perfect ending.

But you see, he lied. He fucking lied. He made me think that there was going to be a tomorrow. He made me think that we'll find out all the answers I've been waiting for, looking for.

Why do I care so much anyways? Connor's dead. He's dead and he'll always be dead.

Just like my soul right now.

10:12 AM 

My parents brought me McDonald's. They knew that the food they have here sucked. Probably because I've been complaining 24/7. They haven't visited me much in the last few days. Once in a while they would come, checking to see if I was alive. But they don't want to do anything with their insane daughter. They didn't say it, but I can tell that's how they felt.

So, I just stayed quiet so they would leave.

They did of course, leaving me alone again. To be honest, I would rather be alone in this hellhole than talk to them. They didn't appreciate me. Then again, I don't really appreciate me. Still, they're my parents. They have to care, even if it's just a little bit.