Stress Drowned by Music and More Stress

If You're Happy, I Guess I'll Find A Way to Be Okay

in the middle of the night
the group chat is lively
and i see them all happy
"i love my bf so much"
"we have a date later"
"we're so happy together"

great for you guys
i'm still forever alone
so while you're happy
i'll be laying home
in my bed hoping
someone will call

but you know, maybe
i don't deserve to be happy
like you guys clearly are
maybe this is my punishment
for all the wrongs i have done

if that's why i guess
i'll be okay cause
at least that makes sense
i won't have to wonder
what's wrong with me
at least i'll know

so while you're happy,
i'll pretend i'm okay
and that i don't need anyone
and that you being happy
is all i need even though
that is the biggest lie
i have ever told

i need someone
but god forbid that
i admit i'm not okay alone
because when i need someone
suddenly i'm asking too much
and i just have to "wait"

so i'll wait

and every time that
you ask if i'm okay
i'll simply say that
if you're happy, that's
all that matters to me

and i'll just hope that one day
you'll see through my lie
and say "you matter too"
and "your happiness matters"

so i'll just sit here in my room
with my thoughts
waiting to see if someone
wants to talk to me or if
i was right all along
that i'm just a tagalong
that i'm a waste of space
that you take pity on me

honestly i'm not sure i would
believe if you said that
i matter as well
cause i'll never ask for help
because i just need you to
be happy, right? 
that's what i said, right?

well i'm not okay anymore

but i'll keep lying
keep trying to get you to see
how much it fucking hurts
to watch everyone around me
being so happy without me
and if you never see
then i guess i'll just have to say

if you're happy
i guess i'll find a way
to be okay as you leave
just
like
before.

but if you do ask if i'm okay
what would i say if you
really cared to know?
i'd probably tell you
"if you're happy
i'm happy for you
and that's all i need"

and i'll just keep waiting
for you to catch my bluff
to see right through the facade
that i put up for you
for the world to see
because if i let down the lie
then that'd be it for me

because i'm "independent"
i'm "strong and intelligent"
i'm "perfectly fine alone"

well i'm not

and the lies will continue
until you finally realize
i'm not okay but then
we'll all figure out that
i'll just have to wait
and watch you be happy
and i'll be happy for you

because that's what 
true friends are for, right?