Ask or Dare Greenland (and journal)

Er yeah..

I have this.. this incomplete or empty feel to me... Like.. I feel horrible.. Like I could possibly break down at any moment.. Without some of my favorite fandoms.. I think.. I would've gone off to Neverland or something like that... and uh.. Without you guys.. something would've happened as well.. I just feel broken, alone, isolated, dark.. I feel like I could just stare at myself, naked and point out every flaw I have, and continue saying; People are right.. But they aren't. I try hard to keep my anger in tact but I can't... I have major social anxiety, not matter what it is. If I'm buying something, if I'm just regularly talking to someone, etc. It's not a light anxiety either. It's in the middle of breaking down to ok I'm nervous. I feel like I don't have a heart anymore.. And I have no way to control myself. And I kinda fear that I might become a monster or a killer my mom had pointed out here and there. I even wonder if I even have a 'perfect' thing about me.. nothing is perfect like people want; I'm a slob, stupid, idiot, angry, upset, fat, etc.. I'm called these things mainly by my family. And I think that should be counted as child abuse.. Words hurt more than anything, it makes them feel pathetic. My mom is the main culprit and pushes me past my breaking point.. but I stay strong. I just really want to curl up and do nothing, like the nothing mama raised. We may be blood, but we aren't a family. I have friends that are actually more of my family than my whole family put together; except my brother, he's nicer than the others.. My younger sister called me a monster.. my mom, a killer.. just cus of my anger.. And I don't think that's fair to say. I did nothing to be a killer, did I kill anyone? No. Did I do anything to be called a monster? Maybe; I used to have a little bit of a darker mind when I was like 8. I wish I didn't have much worries but that's not going to happen.. Once I become 18, I'm done. Gone. Nada. I'll be packing up before you could snap your fingers. I got plans with my friends. I'm going to go through with my plans. I don't like my so called 'family' I don't like them. And the only way im coping is by roleplay, drawing, watching videos, the internet, and occasionally just curling up with my dog. And when you narrow that down.. That's very very little.. And when you just snatch that away, I can't really forgive you. I get darker thoughts and think about what it'd be like to be dead. What's the worse is my Depression and my Anger. I HATE pills to make my depression and anger go. It doesn't feel right and I just feel happy.. And feeling happy is really foreign and when I take the pills.. It's a very fake happy. It's not natural.. I don't like it at all.. Sorry for my ranting.. I just needed to get something off of my chest...