Little things I need to get off my chest

I'm afraid

You may know me from school. You may know me online. I put up this... wall. This wall around me. I don't let anyone in. Because my twisted mind convinces me that I'll only hurt myself. I'm afraid to stop it. I don't want to be left behind. I don't want to be the last one. I act weird a lot, mainly because I don't know what to say. Silence is both the best and worst thing for me. If I'm alone, I love it. It makes me think. But when it's between two people, I somehow convince myself that it's because of me. I'm the one that makes people go away. It's bullshit, it's anxiety, it's teem hormones, it's insecurity. Call it what you want. It's my mind fucking with me. I hate it.

There's a friend of my mom's. Sometimes she can't even go outside because she's too scared. Too scared of people. The thought scares me, because that's me. Sometimes, I have to physically drag myself out of bed. Not because I don't want to deal with it. Because I'm scared, too. I don't want to be rejected. I don't want to be alone.

I remember when I was little. I used to run after my mom whenever she left a room. Nothing's changed. I still do that. Because the truth is, I don't want to be left alone to think. I don't want to think about my head. It scares me. I hate my mind. I think about things sometimes that really scare me, my mom even. I'll think 'I could push my best friend off the roof, and maybe she'd die. I wonder if she would. Probably not, it's a low roof.' WHY THE HELL WOULD I DO THAT?? I don't even know why I think like that. I need to stop thinking.