It all started in French class... I had never had an encounter like this before. We were having a fashion show and I was destined to slay, hunty. I had my pink prom dress on; sequins down the boobehs and a huge pink ribbon at the waist. I had four inch silver stiletto-esque heels on. Two sets of Christmas clip-on earrings adorned my fragile ears. One was a stocking and the other was a wreath. My ratchet dirty-blonde wig would have made RuPaul proud. My lips were painted in a classic ruby red. I looked absolutely stunning. Ninety percent of the girls at this school fell to my knees in ugly shame.
I stood outside of the classroom, preparing myself, preparing my lines. I gracefully entered the French room, and all eyes were on me. Their jaws dropped to the stained carpet, and a communal "Who is she?" was uttered through envious mouths of the poor people. They were nothing compared to moi. I spun like a fat person falling down a hill; except twice as graceful and I looked better doing it. My pink dress billowed around me and caught the flame of the candle near the window. I was the girl on fire. Figuratively and literally. I gave the fire an evil glare and it was instantly extinguished.
I stared into the camera, and added a death drop for effect. All the bois wanted a piece of this.... Her name was Sinomen Starr.
When I stood, not a hair was out of place, and if anything, I looked better. All eyes were on me. After signing all the autographs and taking millions of pictures with my plethora of fans, I needed to just be myself again.
I sashayed out of the classroom and to the men's bathroom, my heels clacked on the school's pitiful linoleum floor. I left a trail of glitter in my wake because a Kween always travels in style.
The doors opened themselves for me, and I entered the disgusting, horrendous, awful, atrocious, nauseating, trash-heap that is their poor excuse for a bathroom. Gross.
I stared at my figure. I tell you what: Beyoncé was put to shame that day. I removed my earrings and shaved my golden locks like Brittney Spears in 2006. From one of the three appalling bathroom stalls, a shout of "Leave Brittney alone!" was uttered with an ugly cry. Kim Kardashian evicted herself from my bathroom after my bucket of honey colored locks were dumped into her stall.
That's when it happened, two figures slinked into the "bathroom..."
I was in the process of removing my flawless af makeup when a grinch-like voice behind me uttered "You make a pretty girl."
Offended, I turned around and was shocked by the sight. Two boys by the names of Ugg-lee and Ugg-leer were standing behind me, stupefied by my beauty.
One second, their pants were on. The next, they had them off. I was trying to act normal, hurriedly removing my makeup. I saw my beautifully-painted-for-the-gods face slip away through my fingers into the grimy school bathroom sink. I was terrified that something bad was going to happen and someone was going to find my body in the grody ditch by the school.
I was about to scream for my meaningful life...
And then, Ug-lee and Ug-leer traded their ugly, dull gold and khaki pants. With one swift movement, they ran out of the bathroom, the door slamming behind them, shaking the school.
I then death-dropped to the nasty, grimy, unclean, Krusty, STD harboring, absolutely bacteria-infested "bathroom" floor and lay there until the police found my body two days later. I was still praying that I would never be almost-sexually harassed ever again. I then, without removing my pink dress, proceeded to the cafetorium to gawk at all the peasants.
And that is the story of how I was almost-sexually harassed by the Grinch.
