Half Alive

Deep Breaths

. . . "Nathan." Gabriel says my name softly and I turn to him.
He's lying on the floor, looking up at me. His eyes meet mine but then I see that I haven't protected him at all. Blood is pouring our of him. Jessica's bullets have deflected off me and hit him in the chest. I'm calling for Arran, the real Arran, and telling Gabriel to heal. He has to heal until Arran can get here. If Arran hurries, Gabriel will be alright. And Gabriel's eyes are open and staring at me and I bend over him and tell him that he'll be all right and Arran will be here any second and he says, "I can't . . ." And I say that he can heal and he must do it and Arran will be here and I see his eyes are not focusing on me now and the blood is pooling around his stomach and I tell him he mustn't leave me, that I couldn't bear it and he knows that. And I interlock my fingers in his and hold them so tight but he doesn't hold me back. His eyes are open and there are still glints of gold spinning in them . . ."

We're back at the cave now, me and Gabriel. He survived, just barely thanks to Arran showing up just before everything went to shit. He hasn't opened his eyes in days, though. The hunter poison must have done horrible things before Arran got the bullets out of him. Now I'm worried that Gab is gonna die of dehydration. He needs to wake up soon, or.. No. Nothing bad is happening to Gabriel anymore, Nathan. Stop it. Don't think about it. He's going to be OK. And he is, I'm sitting over him, watching and guarding him like he's the most important thing in the world. Correction, he is the most important thing in the world.
Gab's eyelids start to twitch and then he's coughing and trying to sit up but I hold him back, "Easy."
He opens his eyes fully for the first time in days and cracks a grin at me. And this time I'm the one to say it, "You've been away for a long time. Were you lost?"
And he has to smile, "Wounded, not lost."

I don't want to leave him here alone, but Gabriel needs water and I have to get some to him. I place my hands together and rub them in slow circles, imagining everything to be still. If I can stop time, no one can hurt him while I'm away. And this time it works. The world gains the strange, still quality that it had when Marcus stopped time with me, and when I stopped it for a few moments to hold Gab, thinking I was losing him. I take a few cautious steps and focus on the stillness. It's still hard and I have to concentrate or I know everything will start moving again. I can't let that happen.
I take with me a container, down to a small creek, not far from our cave. Time starts up again as soon as I reach to put water into the plastic holder. I guess the ripples in the water were too much for me to handle. I get back to Gabriel and he's sitting up, propping himself up on his elbows. I hurry over put a hand on his back to help him up all the way, until he's sitting in front of me with his legs crossed. I hand him the water and he chugs it down so viciously I almost question whether it's really Gabriel in front of me, but I know it is and I get rid of those thoughts. I ask him if he's hungry, but he shakes his head. I understand. I wouldn't have the stomach to eat after being out cold for three days either.
He chucks the container across the cave and before he can turn around fully I'm wrapping my arms around him and burying my face in his back. He still smells like Gabriel: sweet, comforting, warm. Hugs have never been my thing, and I know that it's a little clumsy and awkward, but I don't care. Right now I just want to be close to Gabriel and hold him close and tell him I'll never let him go. Except I don't have the words for that, and I know if I tried to speak it would come out as a nasty mess. But Gabriel knows I'm not good. And he likes that I'm not good, because he thinks I'm perfect without all of those things, all of the stupid little things I'm not good at. He says it makes me unique. I just think he's crazy.
The fabric of Gab's sweater feels so good on my cheek and he's reached around to play with my hair. I hate it, but I let him. It won't hurt anything.

We spend the night talking and just being close. After it gets dark, we don't say much. Me and Gabriel just stay close and keep each other warm. I think he's asleep, because his breathing is a little heavier in my ear. I stay awake. Sleep is hard for me, and I don't want to lose one minute with him. Part of me is also afraid to fall asleep, afraid Hunters will show up and seperate us, or just kill us. The rational side of my thoughts says this won't happen. The war is over. But the thoughts won't go away. Gabriel did tell me that war would change me, maybe at the time I thought I understood. But I think now, he meant something different than I thought.
I feel my eyes getting heavy. I don't know when, but I must fall asleep. Probably an hour or so after Gabriel, and I can't fight it anymore. This sleep is relaxing. I'm alone with him in our cave, and I don't have to worry about needing nightsmoke to sleep. I don't dream. And I like it that way. Dreams are always bad. Bad dreams that send me into kicking terrors, that leave me gasping for air while Gabriel tries to calm me down.
But this is good. It's just me and him. No dreams. Just each other's warmth and sleep without anything wrong. It's good.