hospital gowns « joshler

chapter two

a/n: this sucks so much, i'm so sorry.

chapter two

i sat silently on my bed as josh watched me, he wouldn't look away. my hands dug into the mattress and i looked down, tears brimming in my eyes.

he was just like everybody else, he didn't want me here either.

josh didn't even give me a chance to introduce myself. as soon as i walked into the room he was glaring at me and saying that he didn't want me as a roommate. and it hurt. it hurt so much. i was so used to things like this and it shouldn't sting, but overtime it stings just as bad as it did the first time. i did nothing to him, all i did was become his roommate.

he doesn't even know me.

i quickly looked up at him and noticed that he was still looking at me, but one look into his brown eyes and i saw that they had softened and he sighed.

"i'm sorry." he mumbled.

"oh, uh, why?" he frowned and played with his hands nervously.

"i don't like talking to people, i have really bad social anxiety and, and, they're trying to make me better at opening up to people but i don't want to! i don't want to! it makes everything worse. whenever i open up everyone just leaves. i'm tired of it. so when i saw you standing there i realized they were trying to make me open up again and it'll make everything bad, everything will be bad, i don't want, i don't want this." i looked at him with wide eyes before giving him a small smile.

"you may not know it, but so far, you are doing a pretty good job."

"oh." josh said, picking at the skin on his hands.

"i'm tyler by the way."

"josh."

"how old are you josh?"

"sixteen. how old are you?"

"seventeen." he nodded and offered me a smile.

"how long have you been in here? if you don't mind me asking?"

"two weeks." my eyebrows raised.

"why so long?"

"well, uh, when i first got here i tried hanging myself with the sleeves of my sweaters. so they look my clothes away to make sure i wouldn't do it again and put me on an extended watch. i've been really good lately though and i've been going to group so they said that they might give them back tomorrow."

"holy shit." i whispered. "also, what's group?"

"oh god, it's the worst thing ever. so basically everyone goes to the dining hall and we either do art, or learn some boring things, talk about coping skills an-,"

"coping skills?"

"you'll learn everything during your first session of group, don't worry."

"this is all so much." i said, grabbing my hair and pulling on it.

"it's hard at first but you get used to it, i promise." i shrugged my shoulders and played with my hands.

"were do you live?" josh suddenly asked.

"i don't think i should tell you that, what if you murder me?" i said without thinking.

"i'm not going to murder you, i'd never do that. you don't have to tell me but i live in columbus, ohio."

"me too!"

"woah, dude!" we both laughed as i watched as he titled his head back. his eyes squinted and his nose scrunched up. he had the cutest laugh ever.

don't even start, you have no chance with him.

blurryface was right. and besides, josh isn't even gay.

even if he was gay, why would he pick you out of all people? you're disgusting and worthless. he's only talking to you and being nice to you so he can get out of here. why else would he be nice to you?

once again, blurryface was right.

"hey tyler! you okay?" just hearing him say my name made me forget everything that blurryface said.

"yeah, yeah, sorry. i was just thinking."

"aw it's okay dude. you looked cute, you had your eyebrows scrunched together and this super cute thinking face and oh my god i'm so sorry. i'm probably making you uncomfortable oh god i'm sorry. this is why i don't talk to people. and you're obviously straight as hell and i'd never have a chance and i just keep rambling oh my god." josh's face was red and he was looking down and shaking his head while running a hand through my hair.

"oh uh, no it's okay. i'm actually gay and don't say you wouldn't have a chance, you can't bring yourself down like that. doing things like that will just make you stay longer in a place like this."

"you're gay?"

"yeah?" i questioned, i had just told him i was; why was he repeating it?

"you're gay?"

"yeah, i just said that. are you ok-,"

"i'm fine. i'm fine. what are you talking about? i'm totally okay."

"are you gay?" i questioned.

"yes, very."

"cool, cool."

"you're cute." he mumbled. his eyes widened and it looked like he didn't mean to say that. i giggled and he blushed. "i didn't mean to say that out loud this is going horribly oh god i'm gonna go." and then he was out the door and i was left thinking one thing.

he thinks i'm cute.

---

okay, i don't want their relationship going way too fast. but they are in a hospital together, so they are temporarily living together and when you have so much down time with someone you can't help but have some things move fast. but i don't want them dating in like the fifth chapter, they probably won't even kiss or anything until like chapter eight or nine or ten (spoiler alert whoops).

also, i didn't just make the josh trying to hang himself with his clothes up on the spot. the very first time i was hospitalized and put into a psychiatric ward there was this sweet girl who tried hanging herself with her clothes the night i got there. it was really scary and stuff but they took her clothes away for about a week. a lot of the things that will be happening in this book are things that happened to me while i was in and out of the hospital.

for example, there really was a nurse named maranello that we all called mr. marshmallow, and there really was a red headed nurse but her name wasn't jackie, i actually forgot what it was whoops. the only thing that is different is i didn't fall in love with anyone in the hospital, i made nice friends and all, but the romantic part of this story and some other things are completely made up.

the point is, these are my ideas, my experiences. and i would hate to have someone take these. so please, if you are writing a fan fiction, do not, and i repeat DO NOT, ever take someone's exact ideas.

wow this got really long i'm sorry, i hope you enjoyed this chapter though and i'll update again soon!!