Hope Is Mine (A Stalker Story)

Chapter 26

I cracked my eyes open, as I gently propped myself up and sat upright on my bed. Another day. I survive another day, for real. Nevertheless, I'm alive but still as useless as I've ever been. I eyed the left spot of my bed and found it empty.

He's gone. Or more likely, he's not here anymore because he's sleeping to his own room again.

I huffed out a long strain breath. My body feels peculiarly light, even though my heart holds an unimaginable burden. Lasting another day to this place isn't exactly as bad as I expected. Winn trusts me, or so I think.

I haven't even tracked the days I'm spending in this place. Time seems endless and irrelevant to the days I spend with him. How can I even explain it? Uh, it's just that I feel so free and my actions were less restricted. Although at the same time, my stupid feelings recoil my heart once again, hindering me and throwing me out from my certain goal.

My emotions are confusing me or apparently he is confusing me. His complicated action, sweet words and genuine gestures made it hard for me to understand him even more. For all I know, all of those could be an act, just like the same way I was acting that I trust him. There could be also a slim chance that he's not acting though. However, if what he's doing is not tainted with malicious lies, this makes it even harder for me. I don't want to feel bad at myself because of betraying him.

If this is a dangerous game in which I initiated to play, do I have the advantage or am I letting myself get caught? My hatred towards him hasn't abated, so I think there's no reason to worry. However, it hasn't increased too. Now, I feel so fucked up.

Here I am, acting like I am 'falling in love and trusting' him, yet I had no idea if I was doing it right. What do I even know about love? The last time I checked, I've only accepted the fact that I was in love with Winn after I discovered that he was my stalker. The fact it's him was so heartbreaking. I didn't have the slightest idea when he was still the same best friend I had, let alone, found those feelings when we were still sharing the same genuine and blissful memories.  How will I know that I wasn't the one who's falling again?

Apathy is my biggest enemy among everything else. Therefore, I realized that I'm doomed.

I also discover that freeing myself from Winn's selfish grasp isn't my only goal. Being controlled by him was one thing, but finding myself undermine by my emotions were just as equally tormenting as the first one. For what it looks like; it seems like I'm desperately trying to hit two birds with one stone. Yet, at the end of the day, I missed and somehow, didn't see the invisible force field at the back. Thus, the stone ricochet and hit me back.

I stand up and ventured slowly to the door.

I came to the realization that there's no winning this game for me. Playing someone's emotion wasn't for me, and all it could cost to me is not an advantage, but simply a trap. At the end, I'll just lead myself to my own discomfort and the fleeting satisfaction I'll feel was a mere imagination.

He will always have the lead. He will always be the winner.

I've decided finally that the only way I can do now is to run. Now, I've cleared up my mind and choose to escape today.

I can't be in here for another day, knowing that I'm jeopardizing my own sanity. I have a gun to protect myself and force them, so I think that I have nothing to worry for now. Well, of course except if they had a bigger weapon then I'll be damned.

Pulling the door open, I stepped out of the room. What time is it? I pondered. Though it's not like it's important at this point. I've been in here for several weeks; the time and date are the least of my worries.