What is it like to have depression, when hopefulness is one if your strongest qualities?
It's bad. Depression is bad enough, but pair that with a truly hopeful personality, and it is turned into an unending cycle of pain.
You want to get up; go out. You want to hang out with people; to talk to friends. But then you realize that you are tired. You realize that you feel dead inside. You feel like they don't care - like you don't have any friends there.
You tell yourself to just lay back down, forget you even considered it, but your mind tells you to go. You know it will be fun. You know that they will make you feel happy.
But that voice in the back of your head disagrees. It says this is pointless. It says they don't care. You tell yourself "Of course they do! And even if they didn't - I could make more friends - ones that DO care".
But your voice tells you how dumb that is. It reminds you of the kids you made up in your head - the ones you hoped would fill the gap. It reminds you of what you've lost and why. Your hope spikes, and you want to win. You want to be happy!
You get up and walk out the door, muttering to yourself about how happy you will be today - how you will show it who is in charge.
On the walk there though... it whispers quietly, and after a few angry huffs and puffs, you get curious. You listen it. It reminds you of how badly these situations normally go. It asks why you don't trust it to make good decisions.
Your walk slows, and your eyes fall. Why did you consider this anyway? They are right - This always happens.
You consider turning around - walking away while you have the chance, but then, you are at that "Friends" front door. You say to yourself "Well, no turning back now." And knock quickly before giving that voice a chance to respond.
The rest of the day is spent in denyal. Are you really happy? Is it just you tricking yourself. Is it just Them tricking you. You lay down, trying to gather your thoughts - Trying to decide WHOS SIDE YOU'RE ON.
But alas - You're day us ruined by your own mind...
