The Wife's Diary

Lone

February 17, 2013

A composed person he is and very honest. He just keeps me falling in love with him the more. I know I would never be as good as her. The person he love the most was broken hearted, both of them were when I became the official and legal wife.

Days after the wedding, without him knowing, I followed him as he drove off to see her. They talked. They hugged. They cried. It was the first time I saw him cry. The more I was hurt seeing him by her side. He can cry with her, but not with me.

The last time I saw on that sunset view, were two individuals looking into each other's eyes filled with love, hurt and wanting as they two kissed. The ambivalent feeling I had before and after the wedding, were changed with pure sorrow.

They still see each other after that without him knowing that I knew. Or maybe he has the feeling that I knew but never care. He didn't even made it to come home on Valentine's.

I was hurt, of course. But I never showed him that. I always smile every time he got home. I hate cooking but I came to love it. It excites me to what his face will make after tasting the food I made. As a matter of fact, I enrolled to online cooking, household and money managing short term classes to be better on those areas after the marriage was decided.

I meticulously iron his clothes, arrange his necktie and make a coffee according to his taste, etc. I enjoy doing them all. I love greeting him good morning as he wakes up earlier than I, though he wouldn't respond. I will get up from bed feeling sleepy since I am a night person. He is a morning person. He takes a bath while I cook. We eat breakfast together. He usually didn't want to talk and eat with me but after these couple of months he did and sometimes would ask me what I will do for the day. I answer him casually and then ask the same question to him: plans for the day in the morning and what's-up-what's-new topic in the evening.

I don't start conversations when there is no necessary matters to talk about. I always wait for him to start. I do ask him such as "What would you like for breakfast?" "Do you want more sugar?" "Would you like some tea?" and the like. All close ended questions and conversations I made so that I won't be a nuisance.

I want him to live his life. I want him to feel comfortable around me.

I also enjoy buying groceries. I don't know why but I enjoy it since college when I became independent and learning how to be one. I'm okay being alone. I can manage. That's why even he is aloof, I am okay. Even he shows he doesn't care about me, I still can manage. It's quite harder though; harder than learning how to be independent. Sometimes I feel free yet hanging. I keep myself from pleasing him too much though I has the urge to do so.