as we are // tronnor

38

My body felt weak and heavy.

The Mellet's left, they couldn't take it.

So it was just me.

Just me in this empty hospital room where I lost the love of my life.

Just me and the piece of paper.

From Troye.

I didn't want to open it.

I didn't want to be reminded that that's all I have left of him.

But I opened it anyway.

Dear Connor,

I'm picturing your eyes as I write this. Your evergreen, tear stained eyes that I wouldn't be able to look away from. I remember the first time I was them. In that little coffee shop. My heart skipped a beat when I saw you. And when my heart skipped a beat that wasn't good. But it was okay then. Because I knew that it was worth it. Anything is worth it for you. I remember when I fell hopelessly in love with you. I realized our age gap and thought I would never have a chance. And then I confessed my love to you that one night. I was so terrified, Connor, you have no idea. And then you rejected me! Gee thanks! But, it all worked out, am I right? We made up, we fell in love.. And then my cracker kicked in again. I think that's where things got complicated. I had this fear eating at me that you would leave because you couldn't deal with me being sick. I also thought things would change too much. I thought we wouldn't go out as much or whatever but no. No, Connor. You pushed on with a smile. And even though I knew that you were constantly worried, you still lived every single moment with me as if I wasn't sick. I'm so grateful for that.

Remember that time you used the phrase "as we are"? I've been thinking about that for a whole. As we are. It has a lot of.....depth. As. We. Are. It also has a lot of meanings. It could me a staying in one mommy, being present. It could mean that you what everything to stay the same, you don't want change. To me, it's both those things. Every moment I was with you, I wanted to stay as we were. I enjoyed every moment, I didn't let my mind wander. I just stayed as we were, in that moment. But also every moment I was with you, I didn't want anything to change. I don't know if you get what I'm trying to say. When my cancer hit, I didn't think I could be happy. But you stayed as we were. Like I said, you lived like I wasn't sick.

And now I want you to live like I'm still here. Go out Connor. Don't let me hold you back. Fall in love again. Don't let me take your youth away from you. This is the hardest thing in the world, I know. I know that you won't want to move on. But Remember the promise you made me. I don't what to be a burden to your happiness. Connor, I know you will do so many amazing things in your life. You are going to be an amazing dad. I can picture you with a little daughter. She'll have your eyes and your wide smile. Her laugh will be soft and sweet, like yours. And when she's all when up, you can tell her the story of our love.

I'm just spewing my thought onto paper, Connor. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I love you. You mean the world to me. You gave me all the happiness in the world. I'm closing my eyes and picturing your greens ones. I'll never forget the first time I saw them. I hope you never forget the first time you saw mine because that was the day that I fell in love with Connor Joel Franta. I love you, Connor. And until the day you die, this is goodbye. I'll never forget you. Now, lay down. Rest. This is a lot to take in. Close your eyes, picture me holding you close to my chest. Let's just lay there, still and silent, nothing but love surrounding us.

Let's just stay as we are.

My voice was a horse whisper.

"Let's stay as we are," I whispered to the empty hospital room.

But somehow I knew Troye heard me.