I Am (not) Okay. (Connor Franta)

Chapter 1

Blade to skin. Skin to blade. With shaking hands I perform the almost forgotten motion.

I watch solemnly as my blood drips onto the carpet. Mom will yell. Bubba would have cried. But right now the craving is gone, the pain is shooting up, and I am, for this short time, okay.

The blade is sitting next to me and I stare. A couple tears escape my tired eyes and roll onto  my cheeks. They hit the fresh cuts and it stings. Small pain is pleasurable now, something to focus on.

My thoughts blur and I know soon I'll pass out. For how long? Who knows. Until my mom comes home maybe. Or maybe she won't come. Maybe I'll finally die. Maybe my pain will finally cease.

Fears are in the innermost confines of our minds. How to escape them? I haven't figured that out yet. How to ignore them? Replace them with happiness. Find someone, anyone who can put a smile on your face. Who can make you forget the patterns carved on your wrists.

And that's what he did for me. He pushed my fears down so far I barely knew the meaning of the word anymore. And when he left they arose again. Drowning me in inescapable horror.

This is my story. How he came and took away everything dark, and left me to suffocate in my mindset when he was torn from my grip.

To say I loved him did not even surface the overcoming feelings within me when he stood near. The voices inside my head screamed passionate cries of want. Of lust. Of longing. When he touched me, vibrations shot up and down my body leaving butterflies wondering in my stomach. When he kissed me, my knees went weak and numbness crept over me. When he held me close I felt as if nothing could ever go wrong again. I felt wholly and completely safe. We slowly became almost one. Together we laughed. Together we loved. Together we lived.

When we met I knew. I knew we would progress into something. But I never dreamed that he could make me feel so exhilaratingly happy. I never dreamed his absence could make me feel so so alone. Or that I would never be happy unless he was by my side. I never dreamed that one person could  put me in such a trance. A simplistic like daydream that had me forgetting every care and worry I've ever had. I never thought my soul had another half.

Every inch of him was beautiful. His eyes bright, resembling freshly rained on grass. His lips formed perfectly, always turning up a bit at the corners. His nose just the right size for his thin face. His narrow cheek bones lined up exactly to fall into his defined  jaw line. The laugh lines that caressed his mouth in such a way you almost felt comfort to see them. The way his hair turned up almost in a point, leaning to the right.  Those little crinkles that only appeared by his eye when he smiled. And that smile. A smile that could shoot bliss through me like a syringe.

He took away the pain with just a touch. He took away my fears when he held me close. He vanquished my demons with softly spoken words.

He changed me. He took his happiness and shot it through my very existence. Postiveness radiated from him and infected everyone in a 10 foot radius. His charming smile could get him anything and everything he wanted. Looking into those eyes made you melt into his hands. I was at his whim. I would, I did do anything for him.

I craved his hot breath on my neck. The feeling of his index finger lightly rubbing over my thigh. The shivers in my legs when his were wrapped around them. His hair brushing up against my cheek. Soft lips pressed tightly to mine. Whispers of lovely words floating into my ear. His warmth enveloping me.

Since he's been gone coldness surrounds my very being. A void of where he once was haunts me. I am nothing. I am no one.

 His smell still consumes my sheets. The hair from his face still lay uncleaned on the bathroom counter. Everything is exactly where he left it. And I am exactly where he left me.

It takes longer then normal and I am becoming restless. The pain is numbed and my thoughts are again consumed by horrible things.

My head pounds as I fall. Unconsciously I grab the small razor splashed with my blood. Struggling I bring it against my skin once more.

I press hard and the blood runs. Warm drops roll down my arm. Pain consumes me and I lay back, sighing. I am slipping. 

I close my eyes, preparing to go. This has been long to come. And I, am ready.

Faintly I hear the door. People are shouting but I don't know who they are or what they're saying. I am being lifted. Someone is trying to save me.

I want to tell them to stop. I want to tell them its okay, I want to go. But the words don't travel further than my own mind. 

In my last moments of consciousness I think of him and I hate every second. 

So this is something I've been working with for while now and I've finally decided to publish it. Its a little different from what I usually do but I hope you guys like it and stuff. So yeah just give me feedback I guess.